50 Movies in 1 Picture

I know some of you have seen this done before, whether it be the Rolling Stone picture or otherwise. This one, however, has 50 different movie titles all built into one picture.

Can you find them all?

Kevo's Holiday Treat

It wouldn't be right if I didn't put up a holiday themed post. Well, you can thank my friend Ari, who repeatedly reminded me that it is my duty to put up something of that nature. So, I decided on a Christmas theme. Yea, you heard me, CHRISTMAS! I know some of my friends are Jewish, but this is the only December holiday I understand. If you're offended, go throw in an Adam Sandler CD, cause I'm sorry, I don't care.

And Kwanza? What the fuck is that?

Anyways, with much help from my friend Ben, I finally settled on an idea that shouldn't cause too much debate. Let's be honest, if I did a "Top 10 Holiday Movie List", it would be contested until next year. So, I've come to...

5 Common Holiday Movie Cliches

Intrigued? You should be, because it just wouldn't be christmas without...

1) Some Shitty Guests
This cliche usually provides the most laughs you will get out of a holiday movie. My personal favorite shitty guest is an inlaw, and his name is Cousin Eddie. I don't think it's possible to combine as many horrendous qualities in a person, and still wish that he would show up at your house to empty his septic tank into the sewer. Not only do I salute this man, but I salute his hat.

Other guests to include in my shitty holiday are:
Kevin's Uncle Frank in "Home Alone" - Look what you did, you little jerk.
Willie Stokes in "Bad Santa" - If this guy managed to finagle his way into your home on Christmas, he's probably looking for some "damn sandwhiches" and a way to bang your mom.
Santa Claus in "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" - Ok, I never saw this movie, but the title explains it all. Santa's a two timing whore trying to get on all the groupie, gold digging moms out there. Just be careful, that's not reindeer sausage in his pocket.

2) A Life That Sucks (but in actuality it really isn't that bad; it's more like YOU suck)
You know exactly what movies this theme runs in: A Christmas Carol, It's a Wonderful Life, How The Grinch Stole Christmas, and more. So, how about we focus on the first three.

No, Scrooge, you're life doesn't suck, YOU SUCK. Maybe it would be a little better if you stopped picking on little handicapped boys who just want to spread some christmas cheer. O, and give a raise for once in your life. You're so cheap I'm surprised you're not celebrating Chanukah instead.

No, Jimmy Stewart, you're life doesn't suck, YOU SUCK. Well, actually, you're a really nice guy. You saved you're brothers life; you're boss' life; and even promised the moon to a girl, and weren't even mad when she didn't put out. You just didn't have any luck on your side. But you know who else didn't; EVERYONE. What makes you so special you feel the need to go off yourself? It's called a depression, and if you were a little more careful with everyone's money, maybe you wouldn't be in the situation you're in. You know what, you do suck. And so does that asshole Clarence.

No, Mr. Grinch, you're life doesn't suck, YOU SUCK. You're living like a homeless person in a cave just because you hate the holidays? What? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. You need to get off you're ass, get a haircut, and find a job Grinch. No one's giving free handouts with the economy the way it is, and there's no chance you're going to get laid if you don't get rid of that beer belly. If you're going to hate on people, dress up as a pimp and go to a "Playa Hata's Ball"

3) Something Claymation
Any movies involving the North Pole generally come in claymation form. Frosty the snowman movies, rudolph movies, and the beginning of Elf. There is nothing wrong with this, as it seems it's become rather "classic" to enrich your movie this way.

What isn't classical, though, was "A Nightmare Before Christmas". I have not seen that movie in ages, because quite frankly, it scared the shit out of me. Tim Burton is demented, and ruined my Christmas for one year as a child with that movie. Who makes a movie mixing Christmas, Halloween, and kidnapping all in one? Claymation was a happy way to make holiday films, until 1993.

Also, maybe it's just me, but when I see a Frosty the Snowman and Arctic Puffin talking to eachother in a claymation movie; I immediately think they are going to battle to the death because of the many hours I spent playing Clayfighter. Thinking about it, maybe that ruined claymation for me...

4) For everyone 1 good movie, there are 5 crappy ones
The title explains it, but for more clarification, I'll list some of the "gems" I'm talking about:

Santa with Muscles (1996) — An evil millionaire gets amnesia and then believes that he is Santa Claus.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) — Martians kidnap Santa Claus because there is nobody on Mars to give their children presents.
Santa's Slay (2005) — In this horror/comedy movie, it is revealed that Santa Claus is actually a demon who lost a bet with an Angel, but when the bet is off, he returns to his evil ways.
Santa Claus (1959) — Santa battles evil demons in outer space.

So based on these titles, if aliens ever attack, Christmas is off.

5) Tim Allen
This guy was in 4, count em, 4 christmas movies. Granted 3 of them started with "The Santa Claus", but there was no reason why he should have been in anymore than 1. "The Santa Claus" was a fun movie when I was a kid, but I have no intentions on seeing the 2 sequels, or the crapfest holiday movie "Christmas With The Kranks".

How did Tim Allen get the gig as Santa in the first place? It was 1994 and he was in the middle of a very successful television show "Home Improvement", but I don't think any kids were in need of a Binford 6100 chainsaw. However, he is a comedian, so I guess he would be able to spread holiday cheer. And if by holiday cheer you mean coke, then yes, he would be a perfect Santa for all the Christmas Rehab clinics in the land; seeing as he was busted for possession of 1.4 pounds of columbian bam bam in 1978. I guess it's gonna be a white christmas if Tim Allen's coming to town.


Well, there ya have it. Watch out for these Christmas Cliche's when you snuggle up to the fire with family this year.

O, and if you happen to watch one of those crappy holiday movies I listed, PLEASE let me know. I would love to hear how they are.

December 7th Movie of the Week

Natural Born Killers

Director: Oliver Stone
Writers: Quentin Tarantino (story), David Veloz, Richard Rutowski, Oliver Stone

Actors:
Woody Harrelson - Mickey Knox
Juliette Lewis - Mallory Knox
Tom Sizemore - Det. Jack Scagnetti
Rodney Dangerfield - Mallory's Dad
Robert Downey Jr. - Wayne Gale
Tommy Lee Jones - Warden Dwight McClusky

Ratings: 7.1/10 on IMDB
52% on Rotten Tomatoes

It's been a while since I wrote a movie review (for anyone following, Wild Wild Gayfest was the last one I did in August). Let's see if I can remember how to do this...

Trailer: Natural Born Killers

Plot Summary: Two lovers embark on a killing spree that spans the country and leaves dozens dead in it's wake. Adorned by fans, and followed by the media, these "Bonnie and Clyde" type murderers are on the run from famed detective Jack Scagnetti, who's looking to add to his elaborate career by making an example of them. Directed by Oliver Stone, this socially satirical movie follows right in his footsteps by taking a controversial subject head on. Will your perceptions change about the media, or will you too fall in love with this psycotic duo?

My friends call me the shittier, cheaper version of Roger Ebert.

What I wish was told to me before I watched this movie: Hey Kevo, have you ever gone into a movie expecting one thing, and getting way more then you asked for? Well, expect that to happen here.

Opinion: Woah........ I don't really know what to say after I watched this. There are a couple movies that leave you speechless after you watch them (Schindler's List, American History X, Debbie Does Dallas), and this was one of them. It's been roughly two weeks since I finished this up, so I've been able to work through what I saw.

First of all, if you've seen any Oliver Stone movie, then expect to be offended if it's you he is making fun of. In this case, if you love reality shows title "blah blah Housewives", "blah blah of Love (1,2,3...10,11,12)", or anything involving some criminal, then you are the unfortunate subject this movie aims at. It's a satire on the idea that the media will cover anything that gets them ratings, and in turn Americans will glamorize it. If you think that is absurd, then think about the news and what it turns into.

Crash the White House party, be on a show called "Real Housewives of DC"
Be a complete bitch to your husband you had 8 kids with, hello "Jon and Bitch Plus 8"
Pretend your kid went in a balloon and is about to become the first accidental human astronaut, "Space Boy"

Well, the last one never got a show, but he stated that was his whole intention behind the stunt. 2/3 of those are criminal offenses, and the one that's not should be, because being a bitch who whores her children out to the media deserves jail time. I bet at least 2 of those little bastards end up with teenage addiction to drugs or alcohol, any takers?

It's very interesting that this movie came out in 1994 because the concept of media overkill doesn't seem to be that bad compared to now. Yea, we had our fair share of reality television like Real World, but it wasn't even close to the crap that is followed now. Natural Born Killers seems like it came out before it's time, doesn't it? I know many of you probably haven't watched the movie, but if you think about the concept, doesn't it seem relatable to todays television?

Media is media. You take it with a grain of salt, and you chose your medium; whether it be internet, television, radio, or Kevo's Movie Blog (clearly unbiased, whitty, and clever). This movie hits home in a very odd sort of way that leaves you a little bit freaked out. And with that, is our que to the next segment...

What I disliked: Besides the fact that I was NOT ready for this movie at all, I didn't like how long it took to really get into. If you choose to see this movie, you will probably enjoy it. However, it takes a good amount of time to really understand where it's actually going after a while. Besides two people on a killing spree, the plot and message don't really come around until roughly 30 minutes. Stick with it, though, because it is very interesting.

Seeing as this movie was about the media, Oliver Stone used 18 different film formats. What this translates too is a very artsy, colorful, and wild film throughout. Plenty of black and white, extra lighting, and green screen was too much for me at times. I guess I don't see the necessity, but hey, I'm just a douchey reviewer who lives in his parents basement. The most artistic thing I ever made was an A-Z book about animals in the rainforest, and I'm pretty sure Mom did most of the work.

What I liked: The cast...

Woody Harrelson might have played the coolest role I have yet to see from him, besides White Men Can't Jump. I mean, you can't beat that role, and you can't beat him in basketball in that role. Unless you hustle him, of course.

Juliette Lewis would be the LAST person you'd expect for her part. I've seen her largely in comedies, and once as a retard (I don't know what her handicap was, so it's not polite to assume and offend people who have that handicap, so I'll generalize there). You'll be shocked at first when you see her.

Robert Downey Jr./Tom Sizemore - If you want to konw what Tom Sizemore would be like as a cop, this is exactly what I imagined. What would RDJ look like as a journalist? Well not this, but I threw him in there with TS for one reason. Can you guess it?

Did you say drugs? I think you said drugs. You said drugs, didn't you? Yeeeaaa, you did.

What were the early 90's like for these actors? I think I know, but I'm sure as hell they don't know, probably because they had more coke and drugs in their body than, well, THESE TWO IN THE 90S! I wonder what the wrap up party was like? I imagine it looked a lot like the last scene in scarface, except less guns, and more headfirst dives into piles of coke. O, and hookers, lots and lots of hookers.

As I've stated thoroughly, I enjoyed the concept because I think it is very relatable to how people get famous now. It's a shame to see how we glamourize people for doing wrong, acting wrong, or saying the wrong things. I don't want my kids growing up looking at a T.V. lineup full of shows featuring people who never did anything good to deserve it in the first place. Then again, Creed from The Office used to be an acid tripping musician, so you can't get rid of all of them.

Favorite Scene: There weren't any great scenes in this movie, so its hard to narrow just one of them down. Doing my best to not ruin the movie (hopefully I haven't done that so far), Woody Harrelson being interviewed. That's as far as I feel I can go.

Interesting Facts: Definitely one of the most interesting movie facts sections I have reviewed so far:

• The interview between Wayne Gale and Mickey was based upon Geraldo Rivera's interviews with Charles Manson and the infamous Mike Wallace interview with Manuel Noriega.
• Coca-Cola approved the use of the Polar Bear ads for its product in the movie without having a full idea of what the movie was about; when the Board of Directors saw the finished product, they were furious. (HAHAHA when stuff like that happens, it always makes me laugh for some reason.)
• Acclaimed as the #1 film of the 1990s by Entertainment Weekly
• Premiere voted this movie as one of "The 25 Most Dangerous Movies".
• Entertainment Weekly ranked the film as the 8th most controversial movie ever made.

Final Comments: I think those facts, especially the last 2, should wrap up everything I've been saying about the movie. It was good, don't get me wrong, but it is NOT for date night, with your parents, or if you're contemplating a mass murder spree.

3/5 Kevos - If you like what I wrote, then go out and get this movie. I don't lie about movies, because without endorsements, why would I. However, if you are queezy, into dramas, or your Netflix Que is full of Gossip Girl seasons, don't bother.

"The media is like the weather, only it's man-made weather."

-Mickey

10 minutes after writing this, Moviephone ranked this movie as 10 Most Controversial Movies of All Time

How did movies get Kevo through his teenage years...

Alright, I got my first post up after a long drought. Let's see if I can get back into full form.

I enjoy movies for many reasons. I could write them all down, but who needs another life lesson nowadays, right? How about reminiscing the life lessons we learned from movies during out teenage years, because that way, you will understand why I can never watch “There’s Something About Mary” with my mom again. Yes, Tim, the story must be told. IT MUST!

The best way I figure we can go about this is by stating a teenage issue, and applying a lesson learned from a movie. With pride on the line, we begin…

Puberty – It happens, and it’s inevitable. Everyone grows up and becomes a hairy beast. For some of us, our face explodes like Arnold Schwarzenneger's did in Total Recall. It’s Puberty, prepare yourself. However, I was never scared of growing excess hair, and it was because of this 80’s movie, “Teen Wolf”. Whoever said that being the hairy kid in school was awful; just wasn’t hairy enough. HE WAS THE SHIT! For some odd reason, instead of being hunted down by a mass mob and burned at the stake, he got better at basketball and chicks were clamoring for his nuts. How perfect, I’m short like Michael J. Fox, so this should work out perfectly. I can’t wait for high school Billy…

In fact, I can. What did puberty do for me? I got braces, had a squeaky voice, and like I stated, am still vertically challenged (or short, if you want to be a dick about it). Even though I still don’t have back hair (praise the lord), my white ass doesn’t go inside the 3 point line. At least I have my hairline and am not going bal…….SONOFABITCH!

Masturbation – Well I mentioned that an embarrassing story would be told, and here it is. Have you ever seen “There’s Something About Mary”? Yea. Ok, have you ever seen it with your parents? Maybe. Did you ever watch it with only your mom when you were in 6th grade and had avoided the sex talk up until now? Probably not. Well here is a good life lesson: when you are a teenager, movies start to become more graphic and they are not to be watched with your parents. While watching that movie, I asked my mom “What’s that stuff on his ear?”, and she proceeded to explain to me, vaguely, what older men do to themselves. Still not understanding this concept, I replied “So how many times am I supposed to do that?”. That’s when our relationship changed forever, and she walked out of the room to get my dad. To this day, I can’t look at hair gel the same. Well, what I thought was hair gel at the time…

Drugs – Don’t do drugs, mmkay. It’s as simple as that, and is overly stated during D.A.R.E. I bet that acronym brings back memories… Anyways, we see drugs referenced throughout movies, many now being seen in any movie Seth Rogen has a part in (he’s like the new Cheech and Chong, but with just Chong). There are, however, some of those movies that don’t show the fun side of drugs, and the most terrifying is “Requiem for a Dream”. Have you seen this movie? If you haven’t, then keep it that way. I think it’s sole purpose was to destroy of you wanting to do drugs, have sex, or be on a game show. I was horrified from this movie, and wouldn’t touch headache medicine for months. This taught me a life lesson that is very important; if you do drugs, you will either go to jail, cut your arm off, or become a sex slave. And believe it or not, I actually mean “and/or”, because 2/3 might happen to you. Drugs are bad, mmkay?

Sex – This is the last life lesson you get, because it’s likely the last hump in being a teenager (no pun intended). You need to hit puberty and be able to masturbate before you can have sex, and if you had sex before either of those, then you must have had some craaazzy drugs. Therefore, sex is our last life lesson.

Everyone remembers learning about sex in school, and how babies are made. You also remember seeing being shown the picture of the inside of a woman’s naughty part. It was like a treasure map of what sperm had to follow in order to make it all the way to the finish line. Also, doesn’t it look an awful lot like a bulls head to anyone else? The fallopian tubes looked like horns, and the uterus looks like the head. If you think I’m wrong, pull up that treasure map like view of a uterus, along with a bulls head. Do you see it now?

Anyways, it never made sense to me. What do you mean it has to travel along these bends and might not make it? Then, I saw “Look Who’s Talking”! The opening of that movie finally made me understand the process a baby goes through to get to the egg, and that all but one just won’t quite get there. Regardless, they looked like they were having a blast while doing it (again, no pun intended). Other topics realized in that movie include: how to get free lunches in the city, always be a gentleman to women, and all babies are badass Bruce Willi (that’s the spelling of multiple Bruce Willis’s).

Kevo's Top 10 Movies of 2000-2009

Top 10 Movies from first tenth of the Century…….dun dun duuunnn

Wow, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? It feels weird coming back to my old unemployment job (no, I didn’t get fired, I took maternity leave, and his name is Frederick). As many of you know, I used this website to promote “creative thinking” while I was warming up in the bullpen until I was called up to the big leagues for a job. That call came, and now I can feed Frederick.

I know many of you were hoping for a new movie review. That is currently in the works, so don’t start bitching just yet. I did, however, decide to give you all a little somesin’ somesin’ before someone “leaks” my review. So, what do I bring you….

KEVO’S TOP 10 MOVIES FROM THE FIRST TEN YEARS OF 2000

When you read that, it should be read like a comic book narrator who has a deep voice and something evil is being plotted. Now, I got this idea from a website that did the top 10 movies of the 90’s. Yea, it’s not a clever idea by me, but it is evil that I am jumping them on the next decade. Joblow.com 0 – Kevo 1.

• Just before I get into it, I will preface it by saying a few things. There will be a few Independent films. Indy people say “films”, I’m not sure why, but I think it has to do with them being snobby douchers who wear funny hats that White House interns wear when they blow the president. I started this site to get people out of their shell and see movies they may never have seen.
• I won’t put them in order of hierarchy. There is not point to that. The movies are going to be contested by people, so why contest it even more by saying my shitty picks are put in an even shittier order. Homie don’t play that.
• There will be a wide range of categories. I can’t put a list of just Jerry Bruckheimer movies just because you like watching the guy blow up more shit than Al Qaeda. Different movies with different tastes.
• Lastly, if your favorite movies are either Twilight or Pirates of the Caribbean, re evaluate your life. People in their 20’s shouldn’t be adoring movies with shitless teenage boys and old smelly pirates. That means you’re either a pedophile, or gold digging whore. Plus, ninjas trump both vampires and pirates without them even knowing it, because they’re that stealth.

Without further wait, and more of me rambling on, my best attempt at a top 10

1. SNATCH (2000)– Ooooo boy, this movie makes my pants tighten up. Snatch has an incredible cast that is part of an even better script/plot/twist. I will always watch this movie, and will give a second look to any movies that come out of the UK, because that’s just how good this movie is. It would have been better if Michael Vick made a cameo in the dog fighting scene. Too soon?
2. SPIDER MAN (2002) – Ya, it’s not one of my favorite movies, but it started the comic book craze. There may have been others before it, but this one took the concept and destroyed the box office with it, until Aquaman of course. To the people making a remake of this ALREADY, I wish only the worst during production (like actually being bitten by a spider and finding out that you don’t get super powers, you die).
3. CITY OF GOD (2002) – This is a must see at one point in your life. You will know absolutely no one who is a part of this movie, but at the end, you will celebrate what they have done. Movies that don’t have much budgeting dollars should mimic how this movie came to be #18 on IMDB’s top 250. Also, it made me appreciate movies that are so good, you don’t even care you about subtitles.
4. GLADIATOR (2000) - This movie, along with Saving Private Ryan, were the first few DVD’s I got. They also, to this day, are the best. NOBODY hates Gladiator. Nobody SHOULD hate Gladiator. Perfectly acted (hence the Oscar), scripted, and shot. Strength and Honor.
5. BATMAN BEGINS (2005) – I know many people want to say DARK KNIGHT was way better, which in many cases, I would agree. But, would you even have that movie without this? No, of course not. BB relaunched a dying franchise that needed to take Marvel Comics off their high horse. Speaking of horses, this one didn’t have Maggie Gyllenhaal, which makes it better in that aspect.
6. INGLORIOUS BASTERDS (2009) – Never being much of a Tarantino fan (he’s alright); I definitely enjoyed him more during this movie. It took a tragic history, and turned it into a clever concept. Also, Christopher Waltz plays one of the most intelligent, diabolically, classy evil characters. I won’t say it was Quentin’s best movie, for fear of being murdered by Tarantinhoes (what I call people who live and die by his work), but it is one of them.
7. FINDING NEMO (2003)/WALL-E (2008) – Come oooooonnnn. Your gay side wanted a Pixar movie on this list. I have heard WALL-E is great (still have to see it), so I included it with Finding Nemo. I love that little retarded fish. All other Pixar movies were good but not quite as enjoyable, with exception to Ratatouille. I hope they make a Pixar short before the next movie comes out and have it be that rat looking for cheese to put in his dish, and he gets his head splattered by a trap. I watched it with a girl, and to make it worse, didn’t even get any. To hell with French people.
8. THE DEPARTED (2006) – Easy choice. Great director, cast, and script. Nicholson shines, Decaprio whines, and Marky Mark plays bad cop. Nothing more to be said.
9. THE WRESTLER (2008) – If you have ever owned a Wrestling Buddy (I had the Ultimate Warrior, aahh thank you), then you loved this movie. Not only did it capture the issue surrounding wrestling (addiction to steroids, prescription pain killers, and Speedos), but it added a love interest for the ladies. I’m not sure if women like this movie, but I feel they would. It also rejuvinated the careers of Mickey Rourke and Marisa Tomei (including her boobies). I guarantee you will be putting your brother in a headlock in the scene where he walks through the back entrance of the meat counter like he’s about to enter the ring. BA$NK.
   
   Last but not least, we have to pick a comedy, right? Well, there are quite a few. Will it be American Pie, the “movie of our decade” as it was called? How about Wedding Crashers? Superbad was funny, right? Well, to finish the list strong is…….
   

THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST. No, just kidding. I’m going to hell for that joke.

10. Old School (2003) – If you look at all the great comedies in this decade, they probably involved one of these guys in some fashion. Anchorman, Wedding Crashers, etc. It will go down as one of the best college movies, and they aren’t technically in college. “Actually, funny thing sir, they found a loophole”. Is it weird to anyone else that Ari Gold and his wife are both in this, but not together?

So, there ya have it, my top 10. I know there are some that were left off the list, so I will acknowledge them the best I can: Almost Famous, The Prestige, Superbad, Pirates movies, Lord of the Rings movies, Mystic River, A Beautiful Mind, Kill Bills, Collateral, Requiem for a Dream, etc.

Kevo Hates Dance Montages

Did you understand the title? No, well you're retarded. This segment of the Kevo Blog is about Dance Montages. Before I start this, I will give a major Shout Out to Kaylan. You are a great fan, and will forever be an inspiration. Thanks for all of the support.

Are you familiar with a montage? If you aren't, the word "montage" in dictionary.com (no free advertisements, so for your own sake don't go there because of me, I get no money) means: "A single pictorial composition made by juxtaposing or superimposing many pictures or designs". Put the word "Dance" in front of it, it translates to "A gay pictorial composition made by juxtaposing or superimposing many pictures or designs." Aka, an 80's or 90's dance situation that is unnecessary, unreal, and nobody wanted to happen in the first place. So, what are the most stupid ones I have ever seen? Without further or due, I make fun of......

1) Encino Man

Did you see this movie? O, I'm sorry, you probably didn't see this piece of crap in between the other shitty Paulie Shore movies called "Bio Dome", "Son in Law", and "In The Army Now". O, you saw them, well......you saw the best of them. This movie had a great dance montage at the end, where the caveman created a dance that he did once, and aaaaallllll of a sudden, everyone performed at the same time. This, of course, was at the climax of the movie where it was exposed that the Encinoman, was...........an ECINOMAN. Sorry to kill the ending.



Who cares about cool anyway, right?

2) Ferris Bueller

How could you make fun of a great movie like this, right? Well, yea. I can't. But, you can be damn sure I'm gonna make fun of the stupid dance sequence that comes from his "Twist and Shout" montage. Yea, it's in between the part where Ferris doesn't get caught, and where Ferris doesn't get caught. Remember it? Well, not only does he not have all the diseases the school made up for him, he actually DANCES during his "ailness". Hey Ferris, I'm with your sister....Fuck You.



I'm sorry, I couldn't find the real scene. Does this help, or hurt my point? Honestly, I just wanted to see the black dude cesures down the steps. Sweeeeeeet.

3) Teen Wolf

God Damnit! I Love Michaeal J. Fox. Not in a gay way, but pretty close to it. Back to the Future, Back to the Future 2, um.....Back to the Future 3? Who cares, he was awesome enough in the first one. However, in Teen Wolf, I have to question it all. I loved how it played out, and it's climactic ending in the basketball game. But the ending? Why do ALL 80's MOVIES HAVE TO END IN AWESOME PROM OR HOMECOMING DANCES? Am I wrong? No, here's an example. Everyone, do the Wolf.....



4) Steve Urkel

What? This isn't a movie? How could Kevo do this?

Want to know how? Because I can. I grew up on this show. It's called "Family Matters" and it rocked. Yea, if you haven't seen it, you: 1, suck. And 2, obviously aren't from Chicago. Because........

It's a rare condition, this day and age,
to read any good news on the newspaper page.
Love and tradition of the grand design,
some people say it's even harder to find.

However, how could I hate on this show. O, thats right, just like this.

Steve Urkel Dance

Yea, I know I don't have the video. The video is installed. However, if you can get a group of 5 or more at a party to do this dance, it's a Kevo promise, I will give you $50. No joke. Send it to me, and I will literally give you $50.

5) Wedding Montages

O, look at us, we're so funny. We can make everyone in our party do exactly the same thing that is on the internet.

You're uncreative. Stop trying to act like walking down the isle to a "dance" is like creating a new section of the Bible. EVERYONE IS DOING IT! How many times do I have to see some person post a video of their wedding party doing a "wedding montage". Want to know what would get more hits? How about posting a video of someone saying "no". Ever seen that on Youtube? Of course not, because it's more original than someone coming out to "Beat It" by Michael Jackson.

I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

Kevo Out

Kevo's Movie Trivia

As I've stated before, I look up movie facts after I watch a movie. Most recent movie I have seen, At Close Range, starring Sean Penn, Christopher Walken, and Chris Penn. It was made in 1986, and as much as I wish it was a top notch movie, it wasn't, hence why I don't really want to do a movie review. In short, 2.5/5 Kevo's. However, seeing as two great actors were apart of it, I had another great idea. And what is that, you might ask yourself. How about a couple of fun trivia facts that you may, or may not, know that could get you laid the next time your out at the bars. Ok, maybe not, but they are worthwhile.

What actor/actresses have the most Academy Award wins (main and supporting)?

Katharine Hepburn - 4
Jack Nicholson - 3
Ingrid Bergman - 3
Walter Brennan - 3
Meryl Streep - 2 (has been nominated the most of anyone with 16 noms. And the biggest loser award goes to.....)
And many more with 2, including Denzel, Hanks, Penn, De Niro, Brando, and Day-Lewis

What movie holds the record for most expensive, and what movie holds the record for highest gross?

Most Expensive - Pirates of the Carribbean At Worlds End: $300 million. What a waste of money
Highest Gross - Avatar: $2.76 Trillion Worldwide Gross. And who holds the #2 spot: Titanic. It's official, James Cameron truly is "King of the World".

What movie holds the record for most Oscar Wins?

It's a 3 way tie. Mmmmm, sexy.

Titanic (most Oscar noms. as well with 14), Ben-Hur, and The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King have all won 11 Oscars.

Sorry if you are a fan, but really? LOTR 3 was not that good, at all. I may be the only one who thinks so, but while it was happening, I felt it kept dragging on and wouldn't end (that's what she said). To make it even worse, when it finally ended, the audience did that thing when they all clap and holler. NO ONE WHO MADE THE MOVIE IS IN THE AUDIENCE YOU RETARDS, SO STOP CLAPPING! It's like trying to yell at a def guy, be as loud as you want, but they're not going to heeaar yoouu. Hello, McFly!

O, and more props to James Cameron on this list. Coincidence his initials are J.C.? I think not....

What was the first movie to feature nudity by a lead actor?

Audrey Muson appeared nude in the 1915 silent film Inspiration. A woman who is nude and silent? Brilliant! Too bad the 19th Amendment ruined everything.

What actor has appeared in the most movies ever?

We need to seperate this into two catergories. O, and Porn doesn't count.

Mr. Mel Blanc has been in the most movies ever with 1014 (using IMDB), but mostly as a voice. Still counts though.

What actor has appeared the most in a leading role? That is the one, the only.......JOHN WAYNE! That's right partner, The Duke reigns supreme.

And because I know you were curious, it's Ron Jeremy with over 2,000 films. Times that by the size of his penis in inches, and you get 785,394,302.

What is the most successful low-budget film ever made?

I'm sure many of you aren't surprised with The Blair Witch Project. It had a $600,000 budget, and grossed roughly $249 million worldwide. This attributes to it as the highest ratio of box office sales to production costs. It also spawned the use of using a viral internet campaign for advertisement.

What movie has the most sequels?

Is it a scary movie, like Friday the 13th or Halloween? Perhaps the Land Before Time series? The James Bond Franchise with 22? Is it Amateur Sluts, with over 200? Well, excluding porn movies again, the winner is....

Godzilla. Based on some research and excluding retarded Foreign Films like Huang Fei-hong zhuan: Bian feng mie zhu which has 88 sequels, Godzirra is the winner. Sorry, trying to pronounce that Huang movie made me pronounce Godzilla like an asian. It was a tight race, but the big lizard wins, as always.


Well, there ya have it. I don't really have any more to put up, but if you send me a interesting trivia question on facebook, I'll add it to this list.

You stay classy, San Diego. I'm Kevo?

Damnit! Who typed a question mark on the Teleprompter!

5 Movies That Upset Kevo's Future Dreams

Alright, back with another addition of the Kevo Movie Blog. It's late at night and I'm very upset. I know, I know, you're probably upset too. Cause you saw that VT vs. Boise State football game too. No? Well, I guess if you didn't, then you don't understand why I put out a death warrant on that old fuck Musburger like the firemen did on the Muslims who want to build a mosque at the 9/11 site. I hope BSU bends over and takes a train full of Idaho potatoes in their asses. Too harsh, well, you might want to not read the rest of the things that ruined my childhood dreams.

1) Total Recall

Kevo, you are upset that we haven't landed on Mars, or have no possiblity of landing on Mars at any point soon? No, that is not why I am upset. I first watched that movie with my Uncle, Uncle Leif (yes, that is his name. He is of Nordish decent, so automatically deemed a badass). Good ol Uncle Leif loves all movies that start with Schwarz, and end with Negger. That's an "e" you racists. He loves Arnie, and Total Recall was the first movie that I saw boobs in (if you understand the Kevo rating, that gets an automatic extra point in the system). Did I see 1, yes. did I see 2, yes. Did I see 3, YES! Have I ever seen 3 boobs on a girl ever, NOOOOOO! Therefore, Total Recall has not lived up to the hype. I have yet to see 3 boobs in my lifetime (at one time that is).

2) Little Big League

This is one of those movies that came out along with another movie very similar. A few come to mind; Deep Impact and Armageddon, Antz and A Bug's Life, Rookie of the Year and Little Big League.

"Some pitchers like to ice up their arms after a game, while others feel that HEAT is the answer. I’ve found the solution Henry…HOT ICE! I just heat up, the ice cubes. Its the best of both worlds!" Mad props to my old band Hot Ice.

This movie DESTROYED everything that I wanted as a kid. When I was fielding ground balls like the "vacuum" they used to call me, I figured "Kevo, if this doesn't work out, you can always manage a baseball team by your teenage years and ride that til college". O, could I?
NO. I couldn't. And if you find the asshole whole actually got to manage a baseball team (fantasy doesn't count dorks), then take that pine tar, and have Sosa cork his butthole. I HAD DREAMS!

3) Back To The Future

Congratulations BTTF on your 25 years of respect from nerds, Michael J Fox, and Huey Lewis fans everywhere. You have established this movie as one to look to the future, because if we can't solve our problems now, lets go back in time and change it so it all works now. Or, as I like to refer to it as, the movie that made everything look within reach, actually be WAY TO FAR INTO THE FUTURE. Let's have a look...

Still can't fly a car, ride a hoverskateboard, or have a creepy old man hang out with a teenage boy. Sales for white vans everywhere have tanked since.

I was fully expecting to be able to fly to school by now. I used to read the ads in the back of "Boys Life" magazine and see the "hovercraft vehicle" that was easily assembled with a vacuum motor and spare parts around your house. O, was it easy? Why don't you tell that to my friend Jimmy who we now call Nemo because he got his arm cut off from that product. And you thought my dreams were killed...

4) National Lampoon's Vegas Vacation

Please, when I reference any of the National Lampoons movies, take it as a grain of salt. They are all exceptional, especially Christmas Vacation (don't you just wish you had an Uncle Eddie?). However, have you ever been gambling? Cause I sure as hell have, and never have I had this happen...

"Well, four slot machines and I won four cars. You know, I put a dollar in, I got a car. I put a dollar in, I got a car. I put a dollar in, I got a car. I put a dollar in, I got a car."

Hey, Papa Georgio, go put a dollar in your dick hole, because THAT NEVER HAPPENS TO ANYONE! Last time I gambled, this happened.

"O, you know Dad. I put a dollar in, I lost. I put a dollar in, I lost my car. I put a dollar in, I got crabs". Go back to Yuma Arizona.

5) Ten Things I Hate About You

This movie had a lot of things going for them at the time. Heath Ledger, Joseph Gordon Levitt, and Alex Mac. What it didn't have, was high hopes for anyone who wished to sing "You're Just Too Good To Be True" by Frankie Vallie and the Four Seasons at a karaoke event on their cruise to Alaska. Was it I, Kevo, who dared to take the plunge in karaoke by his lonesome on a cruise ship.......yes. Did I succeed? No, and unfortunately, there is video evidence to prove this. 30 seconds of it to be exact. What did I learn?

Autotune isn't just used in music, it's used in movies too.

I can sing as good as Hasselhoff can stay sober.

Alcohol may make you think can sing, but just like crabs, your humility will last forever.

So there you have it. 5 Movies that made me have high hopes as a kid, but never came true.

P.S. I never had crabs you idiots. I had the clap.

August 31st Movie of the Week

Wild Wild West

Director: Barry Sonnenfeld
Writers: Jim Thomas, John Thomas, S.S. Wilson (there are more butwho cares, this sucked. However, if you find these guys, punch them in the dick)

Actors:
Will Smith - Cowboy
Kevin Kline - Some special agent Cowboy. A real life Woody.
Kenneth Branagh - Cripple
Salma Hayek - Boobs McGee

Ratings: 4.3/10 on IMDB
21% on Rotten Tomatoes

Yep, in case you haven't caught on yet, this one's going to be a fun review.

Trailer: Wild Wild West

Plot Summary: Here's what an IMDB person put.
Jim West is a guns-a-blazing former Civil War hero. Artemus Gordon is an inventive U.S. Marshal who excels in disguise. When the United States is threatened by psychotic Confederate Arliss Loveless, President Ulysses Grant teams the duo up to bring him to justice. On a hazard-packed train journey from Washington to Utah, West and Gordon must combine their skills to best Loveless and his diabolical machines.

Here's what I put.

Two white guys (one's disguised as a black guy) team up to save the United States from an evil cripple. With one of the dumbest movie concepts around, these two Brokeback Mountain cowboys try to save the U.S., while destroying their acting credibility.

Mine's a little more accurate, don't ya think?

Things I would rather do than watch this movie: Wipe my ass with sand paper. Masturbate with Icy Hot. Be Rex Ryan's computer chair for a day.

Opinion: Now every movie review I have done up to this point I have watched within a week of doing the review. I'll admit that I haven't seen this movie in years, but when my brother's friend Andrew mentioned this shitty movie to review, I couldn't pass it up. It's just that bad.

In case you weren't aware, this movie was based on a '60s television show starring Robert Conrad (anyone?). The show actually won an Emmy. Then Will Smith and Kevin Kline came along to act in the movie version, and this steamy log is the end result. Mr. Conrad was not into the movie from the start, but that's what my next paragraph is for. Horray for remakes!

Ok, so Conrad was approached to fill in a small part in this movie. Think of it as an homage to his old show, like "Hey, come act in this, so when we ruin your legacy, you won't be mad because you were apart of it". Well, after reading the script, he turned it down for because he had better things to do, like not act in this.

He was right with his choice, because when this movie swept the 20th Annual Razzie Awards winning (I guess you could call it that) 5 statuettes including "Worst Picture", good ol' Conrad accepted 3 of the awards to show his despise of it being made. I wonder what he did with them? I heard a ghost story that he put them in the trash, and years later, they were the cause of this big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Wait, what happened to the two he didn't accept?

Mother of God........

What I disliked: Where do I even start? There's just to many things to make fun of, like when you watch the Special Olympics at home. You can laugh all day long and not feel bad for doing it in public. Except you're still going to hell.

Can someone explain to me the futuristic approach they took? What a stupid concept. It's as if the writers took inventions from the future that involve power (electric wheelchair, powered hang glider airplane thing, catapults, etc.), smoked a lot of weed, and thought "hey, if we make them steam powered, then it'll seem like it was all possible. GENIUS!" O, I almost forgot one of the inventions. To top it off, A HUGE FIREBALL SPITTING SPIDER THAT RUNS ON CRANKS AND STEAM POWER. Yea, that shits deeeefinitely possible. The only way I could ever believe that this is even remotely possible is if somehow they incorporated Back To The Future 3 into all of this, and Marty McFly had shown the Cripple how Transformers work.

I also disliked Will Smith, but does that surprise you? I haven't like Big Willy since Fresh Prince of Bel Air, partly because that was the last time he played a black guy. Well he does have a gun and kills a lot of evil white people, so I guess you can consider him black in this movie. Wait, a black guy killing a lot of white people. Did Spike Lee direct this?

O, and he did his typical one liners that are o so amusing. In fact, let's play a game. It's called "Name that Big Willy Movie", and no, it's not a porno game. I give the line, you name the correct shitty Will Smith Character.

Welcome to Earf
You know what the difference is between me and you. I make this look good
That's it, no more Mr. Knife Guy (Ugh, that just makes me wanna punch you)
Yo Uncle Phil!

The more you get right, the more pathetic your life gets. I know, I got them all right. It's sad.

So we covered the plot and Will Smith, which accounts for 90% of the shittyness. Spellcheck just said that word doesn't exist, but this movie is so shitty, it has been created. Send that to Dictionary.com. Now, what is going to account for the final 10%? Could it be Kevin Kline, who hasn't EVER done a movie I liked, besides his role in Orange County, and he only gets props on that because that's a hilarious movie and his face was in it.

Or, could it be the other shitty actor, the Cripple. I could go down that rout of making fun of cripples, but will I? Yes, if you know me, I will. WHEN HAVE YOU EVER BEEN AFRAID OF A CRIPPLE TAKING OVER THE WORLD! Seriously. I'll be afraid of the possessed doll Chucky, whom I could kick across the room, before I ever take a Christopher Reeves seriously. AND HE'S SUPERMAN!

Well, I think we get the point. This movie sucked. Now, I'm sure there are plenty of good things to write about. Right?

Things I liked: Selma Hayek's tits. But they didn't even come out all the way. So it's a halfie on what I liked, kinda like the halfie I got from seeing them bouncing around.

Favorite Scene: The one where they get chased by a magentic disc that is supposed to decapitate them, but it doesn't. So in reality, the scene sucked, because they didn't get hurt, and the movie continued. After writing that, I'm sad again that watched this at one point in my life.

Interesting Facts:

• At an official $150 million (unofficial $180 million) it stands as the most expensive movie produced by Warner Bros. and the most expensive movie released in 1999. HAHAHAHAHA fail.
• The film underwent costly re-shoots in an attempt to inject some humor after it was found that test audiences weren't sure if it was supposed to be a comedy. HAHAHAHAHA fail.
• Will Smith turned down the lead role in The Matrix (1999) to star in this movie, being a fan of the television series. He later said this was the worst decision he made in his career. HAHAHAHAHA fail.

Final Comments: What more can I really say? I hated this movie, hated the actors, and hated what this movie tried to do. I agree 100% with Robert Conrad on not wanting to put this movie to a studio because, after he read the script, he knew it would suck. HOW COME KNOW ONE ELSE SAW THIS COMING! After Big Willy did this movie, he starred in "The Legend of Bagger Vance". Only if he had a good Caddy to tell him to take mulligan on this movie.

1/5 Kevo's - Did you expect anything else. Just like it did in the past, this movie takes the cake for worst movie ever, on this website that is.

Time to end it on a quote, right? Here it is...

"I'd rather cut my dick off than see this movie again"

-Kevo

From Deniro to Zero

Yea, maybe it's a pretty cheesy title, but hey, that's me. Also, he is the reason I am sitting at my computer with a new post, so I might as well put him in the title. Now, what is this post about? Here are your choices.

Is it...

A) Robert Deniro also had sex with Tiger Woods
B) Chuck Norris' favorite number is Zero, because he killed every other possible number
C) What is going to happen when all of our esteemed, older actors start fading away

Well, if you guessed A or B, you're wrong. Although they are probably true, that's not what this post is about. It's about our actor change over. Let me begin.

I was watching the movie "Everybody's Fine" on vacation the other day, and it hit me in a funny way. In case you don't know, Deniro plays a grandpa who is like all of our grandpas, old and out of touch with society (some may even crap their pants while complaining that their cell phone doesn't have a big enough font). He decides to surprise his kids on Christmas by visiting each of them, but they are disconnected because their deceased mother was who they related too. I never finished the movie (2/5 Kevo's), but seeing Denioro play a very aged man had me wondering "when our elder actors pass away, who's going to take the torch in Hollywood"?

We all have a soft spot for our favorite actors. Like, for instance, the time my brother Tim told my dad that John Wayne was a shitty actor during dinner, and dad proceeded to flip the table and choke Tim with an American Flag screaming "NOBODY FUCKS WITH THE DUKE!". Now, John Wayne is dead (along with Dad's soul) and a new group came in. They are: Jack Nicholson, Al Pacino, Robert Deniro, Robert Duvall, Morgan Freeman, Christopher Walken, etc. This is nature's way of preserving Hollywood. So, I put together 3 groups of actors that are tops of their age group. Kinda like coordinating age groups in little league baseball, but with millionaires.

Group 1 - The elderly of 70+, aka "Grey Dawn"
Robert Deniro
Robert Duvall
Al Pacino
Christopher Walken (tear)
Jack Nicholson
Morgan Freeman
Michael Caine
Clint Eastwood
Dustin Hoffman

Ok, that's enough. Each of these actors/directors are esteemed. Everyone has an Academy Award (Jack has 3) and have been in incredible movies. However, they could all pass away at any moment (RIP Dennis Hopper)

Group 2 - The Middle Aged 40+, aka "Mid-life Crisis"
Tom Hanks
Ed Harris
Russell Crowe
Denzel Washington
Edward Norton
Matt Damon (2 months away, so count it)
Brad Pitt
Johnny Depp

Most of the younger actors here are in their prime and winning many awards. Each has at least been nominated for an Oscar, and have incredible movies under their belt.

Group 3 - The Young Guns <40, aka "New School"
Leonardo Dicaprio
Casey Affleck
Sam Rockwell
Christian Bale
...........

There may be many more on this list you want to include, but would everyone agree? I feel that Group 1 and 2 are universally accepted as great actors. Group 3? All I can think of are those guys, and Bale and Rockwell haven't even been nominated for an Oscar. So what's our consensus here? Well, let's go back to the board.

And your choices are....

A) Start sleeping with Tiger Woods and you'll be famous
B) It is hard to be considered for an Oscar before age 40 because you need time to develop your career
C) Hollywood is doomed
D) The cycle is alright, I am just blinded from becoming a 23 year old pessimist who wishes he was back in college and not unemployed

Well, you figure it out and get back to me. I'm around.

KEVO OUT

Top 10 Best Actors Currently

Welcome back fuckers! Yea, it's Kevo back with another Movie post. However, this post isn't about movies, but actors. I figured since I have a lot to talk about with movies, I should post something about the beautiful, talented, insatiable people who star in the hits you love. No, I'm not talking about pornstars. I'm talking about actors. You know, the people who are a part of such hits as Troll 2, Megaladon, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 Secret of the Ooze (I will drop everything to watch that movie just to relive my 10 year old days). Ok, seriously, I have put together 10, that's right, 10 actors who are currently killing it in the "acting" category.

Listen, when I say "killing it", I mean they can play any part and do it well. They don't do just one role over and over (Sorry Denzel Washington, but you have been type casted for some time. If you happen to read this review, I would bow down to your skills, but def. not someone who is of my most talented. I still totally heart you though bro). Also, I don't list actors who were good back in the day. I know Pacino, Deniro, and yes Christopher Walken are amazing actors, but hey haven't done great movies in a looooong time. So, as much as I love their work, we are focusing on future talent. Actors I mention have done many different roles that show how different they can be. Something that us people in the "biz" like to call "range". So, without further or due, here is my list (not necessarily in order). I will put the person along with great movies that express how talented they can be.

James Franco - Pineapple Express, Milk, Spider Man, Many different soap operas (yea it's wierd, but to do such a range is verrry impressive)
Sean Penn - Mystic River, Dead Man Walking, Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Leonardo Dicaprio - Titanic, Shutter Island, Inception, The Departed
Christian Bale - Batman Movies, American Psycho, The Prestige
Brad Pitt - Fight Club, Inglorious Basterds, Seven
Edward Norton - 25th Hour (soooo good BTW), American History X, The Illusionist, Rounders
Kevin Spacey - The Usual Suspects, Glenngarry Glen Ross, American Beauty
Tom Hanks - Fuck you if you don't love him. I'm not even gonna name his movies cause he rules
Don Cheadle - Hotel Rwanda, Funny or Die, Oceans Movies, Crash
Johnny Depp - Edward ScissorHands (one of my favorite movies as a kid), Blow, Pirates movies, Fear and Loathing, Chocolat

Now, everyone thinks their top ten list is the best, right? Well, fuck them, cause mine is the right one. Mmmmm, maybe not. BUT, there may be reasons you think it isn't and you have some actors that are the best, right? Well, maybe the following actors are on your list and I can possibly change your mind.

Denzel Washington - Great actor, but please do another role besides you yelling at someone. You used to do some great shit like Philadephia, and now they just type cast you into being a mean asshole who has a right to fuck everyone up.

Al Pacino - Dude, you were the reason movies were amazing.............yea, I said "were". You haven't done anything good in a long time. Dog Day Afternoon, Serpico, Godfather, damnit you were like the Jesus Christ of Actors. Now, you do crappy movies. 20 years ago, you'd be on top of my awesome list.

Robert Deniro - Read PapaCino's list. You were awesome man, now you don't do great movies. Raging Bull, Casino, Taxi Driver. Now, you reprise roles like Meet the Parents, Fockers, etc. Don't make me cry anymore for you.

Matt Damon - You're movies are amazing to this day. Don't get me wrong. However, you need to stop being this badass guy who can kick the shit out of everyone. you are the white version of Denzel. You were soooooooooooo close to making my top ten, but just missed. You have a lot of talent, but you fall short in showing it in your movies because you haven't shown range in a long time. Go back to your roots Will Hunting.

Nicholas Cage - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAH..........I hate you

Keanu Reeves - HAHAHA read above. Plus, why the hell does every director think you're the perfect person to play the roles that save the world? I took a shit earlier today that has more potential to save the world than you do. I hope you die in a telephone booth where you're career started. Eddie Van Halen is never going to join your rock band with your no talent ass in it. Wylde Stallions!

Jack Nicholson - Listen, you are of the greatest actors ever. I even have one of your movies sitting on my table right now, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest". However, you don't do much that shows range anymore. It was veeeery hard to keep you off my list, but it had to be done. Please, put something together soon that will make me put you on top. You know you deserve it.

Ok bitches. That's about all I have to say about that. Hate me, love me, do whatever. We all have our opinions, but mine are supreme.

July 21st Movie of the Week

Glenngarry Glenn Ross

Director: James Foley
Writer: David Mamet (also wrote the screenplay)

Actors: Another awesome cast
Al Pacino
Jack Lemon
Kevin Spacey
Ed Harris
Alec Baldwin
Alan Arkin

Ratings: 7.9/10 on IMDB

98% on Rotten Tomatoes

Trailer: Glenngarry Glen Ross

Plot Summary: After a visit from a hot shot executive (Alec Baldwin), salesmen at a high stakes New York real estate office step up their games and gun for the best leads in order to win the company contest. First place; a Cadillac El Dorado. Second Place; Steak Knives. Anything less, the unemployment line. With the competition heating up, only the most cunning and viscous will see their career continue.

If I had to sell this movie, I would sell it as: "Boiler Room in real estate, without sexy Vin Diesel"

Opinion: This is the second movie I have reviewed that has a very strong cast, the first being True Romance. The reason I bring that up is because True Romance's cast didn't live up to the bill for me. This one did, hands down.

Another thing that really grabbed my attention was how real it felt. This can be contributed from either the script, the acting, or a most likely a mixture of the two. Having had a brief half year stint in a full on sales role, this movie captured the intensity that you get during a sales contest. Cut throat tactics, hard sells to close someone within a deadline, bending the truth so that a customer doesn't pull away from a deal, and more. It made me realize why many people hate salesmen (no offense if you're in sales, but you knew that already I'm sure).

To keep from rambling on, let's go to the pros/cons, shall we?

What I disliked: A slow beginning. Honestly, yea that's about it. And to me, that's such a petty thing in a movie to dislike, because if the movie as a whole was great, then sitting through a slow set up isn't bad at all. That's like having awesome sex with a really hot Playboy model, but it took an extra minute to get her bra off in the beginning cause it was a button on bra, and not one of the hooked ones that I'm used to, but once I realized it, it totally got better. What a slampiece.

OK, now back to reality. My brother Tim and I both agreed that the slow beginning was an issue, but only a minor one. This is definitely something that should not deter you away from the movie. Take it for what it's worth, a good set up.

O, before we move on, I just remembered another one. Jack Lemmon cursing. That may be really weird to say, but it's like watching a sweet old grandpa yelling at the help in a nursing home. Don't get me wrong, his acting was phenomenal as always, but whenever I see an old person yell, I brace for them to keel over with a heart attack. They're too fragile, like hardened sand clumps.

What I liked: To get it out of the way if you've seen this movie, here it is: Alec Baldwin. You'll find out more on this subject in my Favorite Scene.

Al Pacino also goes on the top of my list. Ever seen a comedian impersonate him and they always wave their arms around and lull their eyes a lot? GGGR is where they must get this stereotype from, because Papacino was in full form in this one. Also, he could go down as one of the greatest salespeople I have ever seen, fictional or not. A little slimey, but damn does he know how to reel em in.

The acting may be a redundant topic to express, but I want to share one thing about it. It is reported on IMDB that during filming, members of the cast who weren't required to be on the set certain days would show up anyway to watch the other actors' performances. That should speak for itself.

It's representation of a sales career may be a little drastic with how fast the ups and downs are to some people, but if you have had a position like this before, you know it can happen that way. "I'm going to meet a prospect. O they want to buy $30,000 worth! O, now they don't, fuck! Wait, now they want $50,000 worth!" That's not quite what happens here, but it's relevant to the situations. The reality of a sales career in the big leagues seems very legitimate in GGGR. I wouldn't know what big league is because, well, I sold shitty copiers, not large real estate. I'm still special though, right......hello.....

Now, without further or due, Ladies and Gentlemen, the only star in his family. The man, the myth, the legend. Mr. Alec Baldwin...

Favorite Scene: He's only in one scene, but his character couldn't be a better fit for him if you dreamed it up. It's almost as if you took all of the best performances from each Baldwin and combined it into one, ultimate scene, this is what you'd get. However, if you did that, then you'd have a stoner from Biodome, a firefighter from Backdraft, and a loser alcoholic from VH1's Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. Yea Danny Baldwin, that's the best performance you've ever had.

I don't think there is a better scene in movie history that gives one actor such great lines and command over his co stars, and pulls it off perfectly. Alec Baldwin embodies everything that is a cocky, hot shot sales rep from corporate. I hesitate to put up the youtube clip because it should be watched in the movie, but hopefully this will entice you to watch all of GGGR

You call yourself a salesman you sonofabitch?

Interesting Facts:

• Co-star Jack Lemmon said the cast was the greatest acting ensemble he had ever been part of. This is also both director James Foley's and Alec Baldwin's favorite film of their own.
• As of 2008, the cast includes four actors (Alan Arkin, Jack Lemmon, Kevin Spacey and Al Pacino) who have won Academy Awards and two others (Alec Baldwin and Ed Harris) who have been nominated for Academy Awards.
• Ever since its release, the film has been used to train real life salesmen how to sell and how not to sell.

Final Comments: I thought about giving this movie two reviews; one for business people, and one for movie fans. But, after much debating with myself, it's going to get one review because it deserves it.

5/5 Kevo's - O, you didn't read that wrong. Yea, this get's the first 5 Kevo rating yet. The acting, script, plot, twists, everything that was this movie, is why you should put this right on top of your Netflix Account. Or, if you're my buddy Lemperis, you can illegally download it off the internet. O wait, you can't, because your apartment complex shut down your internet because of that. Apartment complex Burn.

Watch Pacino in his purest form. See Kevin Spacey be a dickhead manager. Watch Baldwin curse out an old man. If your in sales, learn something from this. If you buy a car, learn what to watch out for with salespeople. If you love a good acting performance, watch a GREAT acting performance by an entire cast. Directors only wish they could make a movie like this, because it's just too easy when all the pieces are there for you to work with. A great script, a great cast, and one hell of a time.


I gotta end this on a sales quote, right? Yea, I do.

"That watch costs more than you car. I made $970,000 last year. How much you make? You see pal, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good father? Fuck you! Go home and play with your kids. You wanna work here - close! You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can't take this, how can you take the abuse you get on a sit? You don't like it, leave. "

-Blake (Alec Baldwin)

Just Saw Inception

So I figured it wouldn't be right if I went to see the most hyped movie of the summer and didn't post something about it. Now, I'm not writing this to tell everyone how much I liked the plot, or how sexy Leo looks (dreamy). I am just going to mention one thing I liked about this movie.

Originality. That simple. I liked how this movie was not based on a book. It wasn't a remake from a movie made 30 years ago that wasn't even that good back then, and wasn't that good when it was remade. It wasn't a spin off that should never have happened and anyone involved in that movie should be banned from Hollywood. Do I seem a little tense. Well, this list should explain why.

Freaky Friday
Rollerball
The Shaggy Dog
The Love Bug
Twilight Movies (Fuck Team Edward and the rest of em. I'm Team Blade, the daywalker)
Any scary movie that was redone and ruined the credibility of the first (Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, etc.)
Spider man (yea, in case you don't know, they are re-launching the spider man movies)
Red Dawn (coming out in a year)
The Last Airbender (good luck redeeming yourself after that pile of shit Shyamalan)

This movie was great because it was an idea that grew from Christopher Nolan's mind and made it's way onto the big screen in a most glorious form.

In a summer full of flops, having a movie like Inception was a breath of fresh air. I salute you, Christopher Nolan, for taking YOUR ideas to the silver screen. Bravo.

Do you know any crappy remakes or bookmovies? If you do, post em up.

Question of the Week

Since I don't write enough reviews for people to check out, I thought I'd throw a question in here or there for you to mull over. It's something I do with my friends, so keeping it "movie style", I'll do them once in a while on here.

-Would you ever support a Calvin and Hobbes movie? Would you have supported it more if it was done when you were a kid reading the comic? Live action, Cartoon, or Pixar?

I ask this because many comics have been put to the big screen recently, but very rarely done well (Garfield, Alvin and the Chipmunks, etc.). Smurfs is coming out in theaters in the same form that Alvin and the Chipmunks was done in a few years ago, so I figured I'd ask for C&H.

P.S. - I still read Calvin and Hobbes on occasion.

June 18th Movie of the Week

Layer Cake

Director: Matthew Vaughn
Writer: J.J. Connolly

Actors: (High five if you know any of these actors before looking them up, besides D.C.)
Daniel Craig
Tom Hardy
Jamie Foreman
Sally Hawkins
Burn Gorman

Ratings: 7.4/10 on IMDB
81% on Rotten Tomatoes

Trailer: Layer Cake

Plot Summary: On the eve to an early retirement, successful cocaine dealer Mr. X (Daniel Craig) gets his final assignments; retreive his boss' associates lost daughter, and organize the purchase and distribution of 1 million extasy tabs.

4 Word Sum-Up: "James Bond meets drugs"

Opinion: Before we get into this, I want to give a shout out to Lyons for introducing me to this movie. I have a respect for his selections and this didn't falter that. Big ups Ando.

Do you like Snatch? I sure do. In fact, I haven't met someone who doesn't like Snatch. If you don't like Snatch, you're gay. It's a great script with solid acting (realize I'm talking about the movie yet?). While Layer Cake is not on that level, it was developed by the same producers, minus the touch of Guy Ritchie. Regardless of that, it stays true to British form and keeps a good mafia undertone to it.

There are certain things in the movie that I like to point out, per usual. In my plot summary, I didn't give you much to take in. My reason for that is because the movie has twists in it's plot that I don't feel should be divulged. Also, it's Friday, and I don't feel like thinking too hard. Even Kevo needs a day off, because frankly, if I have to watch one more shitty science movie that isn't Bill Nye, I'm going to sell an entire 7th grade class to Nike's Shoemaking division in China for a pair of Jordans.

Daniel Craig's character, XXXX, is not his real name because his character's name is never mentioned. Why, you ask? I have no idea. BUT, if I had to guess, I would say its to give you a feel for how his character likes to live; underground and unknown. For this reason you will realize something during Layer Cake; this is the part that sealed him the James Bond role. If I were to watch this movie and continue a marathon by putting in Casino Royale right after, it would almost seem like a sequel, with James Bond ridding his old drug dealing ways.

What I disliked: To be honest, there isn't too much that I didn't enjoy about this movie. So, I decided to look on Rotten Tomatoes to see what people had to say negatively about this movie.

"The film is lamentably short of narrative coherence" - Peter Howell (Toronto Star)

What the FUCK does that mean? Hey Peter, you write for the Toronto Star, quit trying to act like a respectable critic and just review it in english you stupid Canuck. Here's my review of your review...

"Peter Howell's review is chock full of unintentional douchebaggery, while quite investigatory, falls shorts of being true to form and comes out more like a steamy pile of fecal waste".

But looking past this skinny wiener Peter Howell, there was only one real issue I could come up with that really isn't an issue anyways, but I wouldn't be right if I didn't say it. It's no Snatch. Ya, maybe it doesn't need to be, but when very few movies come out of the land of snaggled teeth, it needs to be stated. It only brought in ~2.5 million in box office, which while great for this reviewers underground feel, it proves it didn't have people flocking to go see it. Maybe it's just one of those movies that gains its prominence out of theatres like Boondock Saints.

There ya go. What didn't I like? Douchebags who write reviews that make no sense on a movie that deserves better. Also, the fact it is a small time movie that unfortunately didn't do well in theaters.

What I liked: I can say a lot of good things about this movie. For a couple quick things that don't need explaining would be; the casting, D.C.'s acting, the story, etc. However, those are things that should be implied by now. Here are a few things you might also like.

Soundtrack: If you are a big fan of music, I will say that the soundtrack was highly enjoyable for me. It had a great mix of different British artists such as the main song by The Cult "She Sells Sanctuary". Everytime I hear that song, it gets me jones'n for this movie.

Sienna Miller: Even though she's in this movie briefly, she's sexy. It was unfortunate we never get to see her naked, because I'm sure Peter Howell would have given this movie a much better review.

You don't need subtitles: If you have ever seen Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, you will like that you can actually understand what's being said without needing subtitles.

How it did so much with so little: This is a general statement that adds everything good this movie did, for the little it had. For example:

• There were no huge explosions that a Jerry Buckheimer movie needs
• No crazy CGI effects that J.J. Abrams needs to make Star Trek appealing to people who don't play Dungeons and Dragons in their parents basement.
• No expensive list of actors that a crappy script needs to bring in money.

No, this movie didn't need anything special to make it great. That's what might be the best part about it. You appreciate what it didn't have and what it made it into; a solid movie.

Favorite Scene: It's a shame the scene I want to show isn't working on youtube, but it would have been the scene with the song "She Sells Sanctuary" in it. It's a driving scene that gets the movie off to a great pace (no pun intended), and gets you excited for what the movie is all about.

Interesting Facts:

• A layered cake is actually eaten during the movie (but it's not what the movies about)


• During the scene in which Gene gives XXXX a handgun, director Matthew Vaughn says on the DVD commentary that XXXX "wants to be James Bond." Daniel Craig (XXXX) was announced as the successor to Pierce Brosnan in the role of James Bond almost exactly one year after this film's original release.


• Guy Ritchie was in place to direct the movie, but had to drop out due to commitments

Final Comments: I thoroughly enjoyed this movie from beginning to end. Like I stated earlier, I had no real issues with it that would keep it from getting a good review.

4/5 Kevo's - Throw this movie on the top of your Netflix account if there isn't anything of substance prior to it. Ya I didn't give it a 5, but those are only reserved for movies that revolutionize cinema in some way. For underground movies, this is superb. If you find that you don't like it, I will write a review on any movie you want and let you rate it.

Line I'm going to end it on...

"I'm not a gangster, just a businessman. And my commodity happens to be cocaine."
- XXXX

Extra Movie of the Week

True Romance

Director: Tony Scott
Writer: Quentin Tarantino

Actors: Now take a deep breath.....
Christian Slater
Patricia Arquette
Christopher Walken
Dennis Hopper
Val Kilmer
Gary Oldman
James Gandolfini
Bronson Pinchot
Saul Rubinek
Brad Pitt
Michael Rapaport
Chris Penn
Tom Sizemore
Samuel L Jackson

Ratings: 7.9/10 on IMDB
91% on Rotten Tomatoes

Trailer: True Romance

Alternative Frat Boy Title: True Bromance

Alternative Porn Title: True Ho-mance

Plot Summary: When rookie call girl Alabama (Patricia Arquette) falls for comic book loving Clarence (Christian Slater), life turns for the better. That is until their wild romance sends them in over their heads as Clarence confronts Drexl (Gary Oldman), Alabama's ex-pimp, and winds up with a briefcase full of blow, and a mark on their heads. With the help of Clarence's dad (Dennis Hopper), this new Bonnie and Clyde duo make a break for L.A. to outrun mobster Vincenzo Coccotti (Christopher Walken) and make the big score.

Opinions: Alright, to begin, let's go over how HUGE this movie should be before we get into how it was. This isn't a precursor to it being neither bad nor good, but I feel there is a need to point a couple things out. The first thing that caught my eye when I checked this movie out was the exceptional casting. I mean, look at it! Movies don't bomb with this kind of star power, unless of course you refer to the abomination that was Mars Attacks. Also, if you know me, you know this. I love Christopher Walken. He's the tits.

If you don't like any of these actors (side note: if that's true, you suck), you may like this little diddy; it's a Tarantino script. Now, I am a fan of Tarantino, but I don't dry hump everything he's ever been apart of like some people. However, I like his writing because it has always had this distinct feeling about it. When you watch a Tarantino script come alive, you know your going to get some long, drawn out, intense scene driven primarily by the dialogue and ending with some drastic turn (opening of Inglorious Basterds, coffee shop scene in Pulp Fiction with Samuel L Jackson, Kill Bill Vol. 2 ending, etc.). This movie is no exception.

Finally, let's see if they skimped in other departments, such as music, because they already have enough talent on screen, right?

..........Wrong...........

You: Hey Kevo, who scored this movie?
Me: O, some guy named Hanz Zimmer.

Hanz Zimmer. If you don't know who Hanz Zimmer is, get to know him. He's like the new John Williams (guy who did the music for Star Wars and nearly every Spielberg movie). If you want a movie to sound so good even a blind guy will pay $20 for a 3D ticket, you get Hanz. Go on his IMDB page and you'll see that he's done tons of movies, including these gems: Gladiator, Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, and the soon to be smash Inception. Hell, the dude even did Cool Runnings, which is nothing to brag about, but I'd sure like to know if he came up with those jingles.

"Feel the rhythym, feel the rhyme......"

What I disliked: For starters, the inability to connect to any characters besides the two main ones. When you see the cast they assembled, you think, "How can so many stars share the screen?" Well, they really don't. Walken, Hopper, Oldman and Pitt didn't have much camera time, which is disappointing because more of it went to lesser known actors such as Michael Rapaport and Bronson Pinchot (the french nanny from Step by Step. Was he supposed to be gay in that show?). This is likely how they were able to cram so many big stars into one movie because they limited everyone's shooting time. However, the scene that Walken and Hopper share will go down as one of my favorites.

I don't know if I officially mentioned this in my last paragraph, but can I reiterate Christian Slater? Too bad, I will. There's a reason why he's moved on to star in shitty crime drama's on TNT such as My Own Worst Enemy. That title fits you perfectly for this movie, because your mediocre level acting didn't bring out the performance the lead role deserved. You had the Yankees batting lineup to back you up, but you pitched a terrible game and blew it. Maybe I'm being hard, but I just didn't see it in him. Let me know how you feel on it.

Now, to say the script was bad, wouldn't be right. It wasn't a bad script, it was enjoyable. I hesitate to say it was a clever idea because I've seen quite a few movies about drug heists and love stories. However, Tarantino can always take a clever idea, and spin it in that "Tarantino" way. But, let's look at his smash hits again: Pulp Fiction, Inglorious Basterds, Reservoir Dogs, Kill Bill's. What is the main difference from those movies and TR? He wrote AND directed those movies. That was my problem with this. When Tarantino writes a script, he lives, breathes, and dreams how he wants it to come out. When someone else directs it, something is lost in translation. Supposedly he didn't even visit the set once while they filmed. Maybe he would have done better, maybe he wouldn't. I just wish I could have seen.....


Now, to the goods.....

What I liked: Enough with that sad crap. Let's get on to what kicked ass in this movie, right?

One. Every other cast member besides Christian Slater. I didn't know much about Patricia Arquette, but I enjoyed her in this. She was vibrant, lovable, rough, and sexy throughout the movie.


Even though I disliked the small screen time the supporting cast got, I loved what they did with it. All of them played their parts with the passion that a lead would give. For instance....

Gary Oldman. GOD DAMNIT, I FUCKING LOVE THIS GUY! When I think of what makes an actor great, I think of someone who can play a wide range of characters, and play them well. Man, did he kill it in this one. He played a character so off from what I see him as now, that I had to check IMDB to make sure it was him. If you've ever seen The Professional, then you'll enjoy his character because it reminds you of how different he was in that movie as well.

James Gandolfini was great, Pitt was a lovable stoner that barely spoke but provided comic relief, and Sizemore and Penn played their cop parts well. Kind of ironic when you see Tom Sizemore play a drug cop, isn't it? I bet his Parole Officer was his mentor during the movie.

Two. Great scenes. There were some really good action scenes in this movie. I was kept on my seat while still engaged in the plot. I don't really have to say much more about why I liked them because my favorite scene will say enough.


Three. Flow. Through the movie, I never drifted off or lost my focus. I felt engaged throughout the film because it was well structured and had you wondering what was coming next.


Enough of the goods. Let's see what scene gave me the steamies...

Favorite Scene: If you are reading this review right now and have seen this movie, maybe you agree with everything so far, maybe you don't. However, I do know that you will agree on this. My Favorite Scene.


What do you get when you put Christopher Walken and Dennis Hopper together for a 10 minute, heavy dialogue driven scene? Brilliance. Remember when I said that in any Tarantino film, you get that scene driven by dialogue and culminating in some drastic action? Yea, this is that scene. If you don't plan on seeing the movie, then just watch the scene here. If you do plan on seeing this, save it for when you watch it. The two play off one another so well, and show why they are true masters of their craft. It was great having this scene be the first one I saw of Dennis Hopper after his death (R.I.P Easy Rider), because it gives you a great appreciation for him. Walken was his usual self.

Someone was talking to my boy all wrong.

Interesting Facts:

Quentin Tarantino sold this script so that he could get funding for Reservoir Dogs

It was Brad Pitt's idea for his role to be a stoner who never leaves the couch

The word "fuck", and derivatives of it, is used 225 times

There are 21 on-screen deaths, all gun shot related.

Final Comments: This was a tough movie to give out a final verdict on. I throughly enjoyed the action sequences and the dialogue not getting lost in translation because Tarantino is a great writer. However, what keeps popping up in my head is the star power. When you read down the list of actors, you get this excited feeling inside of you that builds the movie up, only to be torn down by it's lead role. Christian Slater wasn't terrible, but he didn't do justice to a film that supported him thoroughly.


4/5 Kevo's - If you have a Netflix account, throw this movie on the list. If you live near a Blockbuster (if they're still around), put this on your "movies to watch" list. It was very enjoyable and should be watched, but don't overhype yourself. Take it for what it is: a Tarantino written, but not directed, Bonnie and Clyde.

There was better conversation rather than one-liners, but I'll throw this one your way:

"If there's one thing this last week has taught me, it's better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it." - Clarence

June 8th Movie of the Week

BATTLE ROYALE

Director: Kinji Fukasaku

Actors: Tatsuya Fujiwara
Aki Maeda
Tara Yamamoto
Chiaki Kuriyama

Ratings: 7.9/10 on IMDB
82% on Rotten Tomatoes

Trailer: Battle Royale

Plot Summary: In the near future, Japan's society is diminishing it's respect for elders. To set society straight, it enforces the "Battle Royale" Act which summons one 9th grade class to an island and forces them to kill each other. Each armed with a different weapon than the next, they must decide whether or not they have the ability to kill their own best friend. It begins with 42, it must end with 1.

Opinions: Wow. Before I get into the opinions, mad props to Dan Sherrard for throwing this movie my way. I never would have known about it had he not said "You should watch Battle Royale, it'll blow your mind away". I waited months in anticipation for this, and when it came, it was more than what I expected (that's what she said?).

So, let's go over a couple points that I hope convince you to give this movie a try. I have always tried to be unbiased in my approach to life, so I will also give a few negative points.

What I disliked: The acting in the movie was good. It wasn't great, which is why the movie doesn't hit on a perfect level. Some of the actors were good, some were bad, but I figure you get that with every movie. My only regret is not having seen enough Japanese film in order to grasp what degree of acting a regular movie star can equate to in Japan. I saw "Mr. Baseball" with Tom Selleck once, but that didn't help.

Also, it's in Japanese. I hate subtitles. F*** reading, that's why the television was invented. Go to hell Kindle.

What I liked: For one, the idea. What a creative, smart, mind-bending way to think about fixing a society.

Grumpy old person #1: "There's no respect for elders anymore".
Grumpy old person #2: "I know. I give out hard candies and don't get nothing in return"
Grumpy old person #1: "You know what we should do. Put a group of kids on an island and have em kill the s*** out of one another with various weapons".
Grumpy old person #2: "Brilliant! Now someone change me."

That's how I imagine this idea coming about. As unrealistic as it sounds, the way it is written and directed makes it feel as though it could somehow work in a society such as, let's say, Cuba.

For two, the authenticity. What I mean by this is what actually started to go through these kids minds when they started killing. O yea, in case you were wondering, they kill. They kill.......... a lot.

Let's take a journey back to your oily faced youth when hair was growing in funny places and you had to slow dance at arms length because someone used to get a little overexcited. Did you ever have a friend who stole your girlfriend/boyfriend and you were so pissed about it you feel like you could just kill them? Well, now you can. The writers really dove into the issues that students have, which lets you allow yourself to fall into the realism of this movie. It was a great way to define the problems of youth, but an extreme way to solve the problems, which I loved.

Lastly, I enjoyed the story. Redundancy aside, it was a love story, a bloodbath, and a twist all in one. That's one way to keep all fans involved.

Favorite Scene: By far, my favorite scene is when the class is instructed on how "Battle Royale" works. In this scene, all the students are forced into an old classroom on the island by the Japanese Military and explained how the "Battle Royal" Act works.

Why I love this scene is the no holds bar approach. It takes the movie from a mild manner, and transitions it to brutal intensity. The video shown to the class made me laugh because it's a young Japanese girl wearing "Hello Kitty" looking attire with a high, enthusiastic, squeaky voice explaining the rules. I stopped laughing when the teacher hucked a knife through a students head. Yea, no holds bar.....

Interesting Facts:

• Nominated for 10 Japanese Oscars and won 4, including "Most Popular Film"
• One of the top 10 highest grossing films in Japan
• Many members of Japanese Parliament tried to get the book banned when it came out. They also tried to do the same when the movie was released
• No stunt doubles were used
  

Final Comments: If you are a movie lover and enjoy going out on a limb, this should be on top of your list. The subtitles can be a bother, as they are with any foreign movie, but the dialogue is brief and simple, so as to not be much of a problem. Nothing that should shy you away. In my rating scale, I give it:

3.75/5 Kevo's - An odd rating for this one, but I hesitated on a 4 because it may just not be to the liking of some because of it's brutal nature. However, if that isn't an issue, it's one that a movie lover, action fan, and foreign film expert would enjoy.

So many good quotes from the movie, but I'll end with this:

"Life is a game. So fight for survival and see if you're worth it. "