Kevo's Ultimate Fictional Bands

Alright you crazy cats, we got some sweet grooves coming your way. So lay back, open your ears, and be ready for the sweet sounds of…..

Ok, I’m no Kasey Casem (when is he going to do voice over work for a Planet Earth type show btw). I am however a huge fan of movies with good plots, sweet music, and a face melting fictional band.

In today’s post, we focus on the issue of great fictional movie bands. There are a lot out there, and I mean too many that deserve the spotlight, but a light can only cast on so many. Will yours shine in the limelight? Let’s take a look…

The Oneders (That Thing You Do)

Ok, keep your pants on girls. You knew they were going to be on this list. With a challenging name, a band struggling with an identity crisis, and the similarity to a certain band named after a certain insect; it’s a given you’d see them. What really sold them to me; Tom Hanks is their manager. If you had to pick one actor to be an actual band manager, wouldn’t he be your pick too? Props to Nat for this extra nugget I almost left out.

Why I almost left them off? THEY HAD ONE SONG! I get it, I’m doing that thing I do, or she does, or someone does. This is your all time biggest one hit wonder band EVER, because not only did they have a one hit wonder, their name is the ONEders. If you love this band, then I accuse you of loving other one hit wonders, like Los Del Rio “The Macarena”. Next time I hear that song, I will think about how I’m going to tap dance on your balls.

Spinal Tap (This Is Spinal Tap)

I refuse to have a list of fictional bands, and Spinal Tap doesn’t get on it. They struggle throughout the whole movie, perform at the most ridiculous venues, and get caught with aluminum foil wrapped cucumbers in their pants while going through airport security. Along with their follies, they provide the true meaning of rock and roll; play it loud.

11 will, and always will, be louder than 10.

Figrin Dan and the Modal Nodes (?)

Ok, dig deep into your inner geek. Who is this I’m talking about? I’ll give you a hint: They played in a bar in a galaxy far, far away...

The Star Wars Band! In particular, they play at the Mos Eisley Cantina bar. Yea, I didn’t realize that they had a name either, but apparently they do. Here’s a brief description of them from the Star Wars Wikipedia site:

"Fiery" Figrin D'an (alias Barbarine) was the Bith leader of the band the Modal Nodes. His older brother was Barquin D'an. Specializing in Jizz music, Figrin played a reed instrument known as a Kloo horn, as well as a percussion instrument called a Gasan string drum.

Excuse me, did that just say they play JIZZ music? I’m sorry, but that is one of the worst alterations you could make to the word “Jazz” ever written. Now, to make fun of you Mr. Lucas; put 20 seconds on the clock, I'm going to Tosh.O you right now.

I bet their drummer gives out the best kind of rim shots.
I wonder where their sticking their instruments during Jizz music band camp.
Jenna Jameson is the best Jizz musician I’ve ever seen.
Black guys have the biggest Jizz instruments.

Ok, I’m done. You know the band, and you wish they played at your Sweet 16.

Wait, one more: After they finish playing, you have to clean the stage with tissues.

The Lone Rangers (Airheads)

Break into a record studio: Check
Hold a radio stage hostage with water guns: Check
Sign a record contract: Check
Steve Buscemi on Bass: Niiiiiiice

I love the song that plays in this movie. It’s actually a real song by Reagan Youth called “Degenerated”, but the movie version is much better. No band in any movie has a more rock and roll type approach to getting their music played than The Lone Rangers, so that keeps them on my list. Also, no one wiped their ass with a record contract before. ROCK AND ROOOLLLLLL!

Wyld Stallyns (Bill and Ted Movies)

The Wyld Stallyns stated that they won’t get any better unless they get Eddie Van Halen to be in their band. That’s a lofty goal to achieve. I mean, it’s Eddie. In the 80s, there were more notebooks with his name on them than there were Jersey trash Madonna look a likes.

But when Eddie says in an interview that if Wyld Stallyns weren’t a fictional band he would join them; then you know you’ve fictionally made it. They would be the greatest fictional rock group around, banging the hottest fictional women, and doing fictional cocaine on their private fictional jet.

Sadly, they are not. At least they got the Grim Reaper, who plays a meeeeaaan stand up bass.

Stillwater (Almost Famous)

There has never been a band that I felt instantly disappointed with when I heard them play in a movie. Not because they suck, but because they're not real. This band kicks so much ass the world has to sit on a donut pillow after hearing them.

Take the dynamic of Led Zeppelin, and add southern rock. Ya, I need to change my pants now too.

I’m also insanely jealous that not only was Peter Frampton the technical advisor on this movie, but he trained Billy Crudup how to play guitar. Hey Billy, next time you decide to jump off a house, land on the concrete.

Honorable Mention

Blues Brothers Band - No, because Jim Belushi thinks he can step in for his brother. Accroding to Kevo, you suck
The Pinheads - Marty McFly's band, but we didn't hear much from them in the movie.
Marvin Berry and The Starlights - Marty McFly's band during the dance. Not in consideration, because they're the originators of music stealing.
"Chuck. Chuck. It's Marvin - your cousin, Marvin BERRY. You know that new sound you're looking for? Well, too bad, cause we just stole yo shit!"
Cassandra and Cruical Taunt - Hot babe from Waynes World. In consideration, but it was Wayne who truely made it happen, then Christopher Walken.
Something About Mary Band - Don't know the name of them, but they seemed to annoy everyone during the movie. I don't promote a sucky show.
Muppet Band - If I had to put together a super group of the best fictional band members from all movies, Animal would be my drummer. Other muppets would be left behind.