August 31st Movie of the Week

Wild Wild West

Director: Barry Sonnenfeld
Writers: Jim Thomas, John Thomas, S.S. Wilson (there are more butwho cares, this sucked. However, if you find these guys, punch them in the dick)

Actors:
Will Smith - Cowboy
Kevin Kline - Some special agent Cowboy. A real life Woody.
Kenneth Branagh - Cripple
Salma Hayek - Boobs McGee

Ratings: 4.3/10 on IMDB
21% on Rotten Tomatoes

Yep, in case you haven't caught on yet, this one's going to be a fun review.

Trailer: Wild Wild West

Plot Summary: Here's what an IMDB person put.
Jim West is a guns-a-blazing former Civil War hero. Artemus Gordon is an inventive U.S. Marshal who excels in disguise. When the United States is threatened by psychotic Confederate Arliss Loveless, President Ulysses Grant teams the duo up to bring him to justice. On a hazard-packed train journey from Washington to Utah, West and Gordon must combine their skills to best Loveless and his diabolical machines.

Here's what I put.

Two white guys (one's disguised as a black guy) team up to save the United States from an evil cripple. With one of the dumbest movie concepts around, these two Brokeback Mountain cowboys try to save the U.S., while destroying their acting credibility.

Mine's a little more accurate, don't ya think?

Things I would rather do than watch this movie: Wipe my ass with sand paper. Masturbate with Icy Hot. Be Rex Ryan's computer chair for a day.

Opinion: Now every movie review I have done up to this point I have watched within a week of doing the review. I'll admit that I haven't seen this movie in years, but when my brother's friend Andrew mentioned this shitty movie to review, I couldn't pass it up. It's just that bad.

In case you weren't aware, this movie was based on a '60s television show starring Robert Conrad (anyone?). The show actually won an Emmy. Then Will Smith and Kevin Kline came along to act in the movie version, and this steamy log is the end result. Mr. Conrad was not into the movie from the start, but that's what my next paragraph is for. Horray for remakes!

Ok, so Conrad was approached to fill in a small part in this movie. Think of it as an homage to his old show, like "Hey, come act in this, so when we ruin your legacy, you won't be mad because you were apart of it". Well, after reading the script, he turned it down for because he had better things to do, like not act in this.

He was right with his choice, because when this movie swept the 20th Annual Razzie Awards winning (I guess you could call it that) 5 statuettes including "Worst Picture", good ol' Conrad accepted 3 of the awards to show his despise of it being made. I wonder what he did with them? I heard a ghost story that he put them in the trash, and years later, they were the cause of this big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Wait, what happened to the two he didn't accept?

Mother of God........

What I disliked: Where do I even start? There's just to many things to make fun of, like when you watch the Special Olympics at home. You can laugh all day long and not feel bad for doing it in public. Except you're still going to hell.

Can someone explain to me the futuristic approach they took? What a stupid concept. It's as if the writers took inventions from the future that involve power (electric wheelchair, powered hang glider airplane thing, catapults, etc.), smoked a lot of weed, and thought "hey, if we make them steam powered, then it'll seem like it was all possible. GENIUS!" O, I almost forgot one of the inventions. To top it off, A HUGE FIREBALL SPITTING SPIDER THAT RUNS ON CRANKS AND STEAM POWER. Yea, that shits deeeefinitely possible. The only way I could ever believe that this is even remotely possible is if somehow they incorporated Back To The Future 3 into all of this, and Marty McFly had shown the Cripple how Transformers work.

I also disliked Will Smith, but does that surprise you? I haven't like Big Willy since Fresh Prince of Bel Air, partly because that was the last time he played a black guy. Well he does have a gun and kills a lot of evil white people, so I guess you can consider him black in this movie. Wait, a black guy killing a lot of white people. Did Spike Lee direct this?

O, and he did his typical one liners that are o so amusing. In fact, let's play a game. It's called "Name that Big Willy Movie", and no, it's not a porno game. I give the line, you name the correct shitty Will Smith Character.

Welcome to Earf
You know what the difference is between me and you. I make this look good
That's it, no more Mr. Knife Guy (Ugh, that just makes me wanna punch you)
Yo Uncle Phil!

The more you get right, the more pathetic your life gets. I know, I got them all right. It's sad.

So we covered the plot and Will Smith, which accounts for 90% of the shittyness. Spellcheck just said that word doesn't exist, but this movie is so shitty, it has been created. Send that to Dictionary.com. Now, what is going to account for the final 10%? Could it be Kevin Kline, who hasn't EVER done a movie I liked, besides his role in Orange County, and he only gets props on that because that's a hilarious movie and his face was in it.

Or, could it be the other shitty actor, the Cripple. I could go down that rout of making fun of cripples, but will I? Yes, if you know me, I will. WHEN HAVE YOU EVER BEEN AFRAID OF A CRIPPLE TAKING OVER THE WORLD! Seriously. I'll be afraid of the possessed doll Chucky, whom I could kick across the room, before I ever take a Christopher Reeves seriously. AND HE'S SUPERMAN!

Well, I think we get the point. This movie sucked. Now, I'm sure there are plenty of good things to write about. Right?

Things I liked: Selma Hayek's tits. But they didn't even come out all the way. So it's a halfie on what I liked, kinda like the halfie I got from seeing them bouncing around.

Favorite Scene: The one where they get chased by a magentic disc that is supposed to decapitate them, but it doesn't. So in reality, the scene sucked, because they didn't get hurt, and the movie continued. After writing that, I'm sad again that watched this at one point in my life.

Interesting Facts:

• At an official $150 million (unofficial $180 million) it stands as the most expensive movie produced by Warner Bros. and the most expensive movie released in 1999. HAHAHAHAHA fail.
• The film underwent costly re-shoots in an attempt to inject some humor after it was found that test audiences weren't sure if it was supposed to be a comedy. HAHAHAHAHA fail.
• Will Smith turned down the lead role in The Matrix (1999) to star in this movie, being a fan of the television series. He later said this was the worst decision he made in his career. HAHAHAHAHA fail.

Final Comments: What more can I really say? I hated this movie, hated the actors, and hated what this movie tried to do. I agree 100% with Robert Conrad on not wanting to put this movie to a studio because, after he read the script, he knew it would suck. HOW COME KNOW ONE ELSE SAW THIS COMING! After Big Willy did this movie, he starred in "The Legend of Bagger Vance". Only if he had a good Caddy to tell him to take mulligan on this movie.

1/5 Kevo's - Did you expect anything else. Just like it did in the past, this movie takes the cake for worst movie ever, on this website that is.

Time to end it on a quote, right? Here it is...

"I'd rather cut my dick off than see this movie again"

-Kevo

From Deniro to Zero

Yea, maybe it's a pretty cheesy title, but hey, that's me. Also, he is the reason I am sitting at my computer with a new post, so I might as well put him in the title. Now, what is this post about? Here are your choices.

Is it...

A) Robert Deniro also had sex with Tiger Woods
B) Chuck Norris' favorite number is Zero, because he killed every other possible number
C) What is going to happen when all of our esteemed, older actors start fading away

Well, if you guessed A or B, you're wrong. Although they are probably true, that's not what this post is about. It's about our actor change over. Let me begin.

I was watching the movie "Everybody's Fine" on vacation the other day, and it hit me in a funny way. In case you don't know, Deniro plays a grandpa who is like all of our grandpas, old and out of touch with society (some may even crap their pants while complaining that their cell phone doesn't have a big enough font). He decides to surprise his kids on Christmas by visiting each of them, but they are disconnected because their deceased mother was who they related too. I never finished the movie (2/5 Kevo's), but seeing Denioro play a very aged man had me wondering "when our elder actors pass away, who's going to take the torch in Hollywood"?

We all have a soft spot for our favorite actors. Like, for instance, the time my brother Tim told my dad that John Wayne was a shitty actor during dinner, and dad proceeded to flip the table and choke Tim with an American Flag screaming "NOBODY FUCKS WITH THE DUKE!". Now, John Wayne is dead (along with Dad's soul) and a new group came in. They are: Jack Nicholson, Al Pacino, Robert Deniro, Robert Duvall, Morgan Freeman, Christopher Walken, etc. This is nature's way of preserving Hollywood. So, I put together 3 groups of actors that are tops of their age group. Kinda like coordinating age groups in little league baseball, but with millionaires.

Group 1 - The elderly of 70+, aka "Grey Dawn"
Robert Deniro
Robert Duvall
Al Pacino
Christopher Walken (tear)
Jack Nicholson
Morgan Freeman
Michael Caine
Clint Eastwood
Dustin Hoffman

Ok, that's enough. Each of these actors/directors are esteemed. Everyone has an Academy Award (Jack has 3) and have been in incredible movies. However, they could all pass away at any moment (RIP Dennis Hopper)

Group 2 - The Middle Aged 40+, aka "Mid-life Crisis"
Tom Hanks
Ed Harris
Russell Crowe
Denzel Washington
Edward Norton
Matt Damon (2 months away, so count it)
Brad Pitt
Johnny Depp

Most of the younger actors here are in their prime and winning many awards. Each has at least been nominated for an Oscar, and have incredible movies under their belt.

Group 3 - The Young Guns <40, aka "New School"
Leonardo Dicaprio
Casey Affleck
Sam Rockwell
Christian Bale
...........

There may be many more on this list you want to include, but would everyone agree? I feel that Group 1 and 2 are universally accepted as great actors. Group 3? All I can think of are those guys, and Bale and Rockwell haven't even been nominated for an Oscar. So what's our consensus here? Well, let's go back to the board.

And your choices are....

A) Start sleeping with Tiger Woods and you'll be famous
B) It is hard to be considered for an Oscar before age 40 because you need time to develop your career
C) Hollywood is doomed
D) The cycle is alright, I am just blinded from becoming a 23 year old pessimist who wishes he was back in college and not unemployed

Well, you figure it out and get back to me. I'm around.

KEVO OUT

Top 10 Best Actors Currently

Welcome back fuckers! Yea, it's Kevo back with another Movie post. However, this post isn't about movies, but actors. I figured since I have a lot to talk about with movies, I should post something about the beautiful, talented, insatiable people who star in the hits you love. No, I'm not talking about pornstars. I'm talking about actors. You know, the people who are a part of such hits as Troll 2, Megaladon, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 Secret of the Ooze (I will drop everything to watch that movie just to relive my 10 year old days). Ok, seriously, I have put together 10, that's right, 10 actors who are currently killing it in the "acting" category.

Listen, when I say "killing it", I mean they can play any part and do it well. They don't do just one role over and over (Sorry Denzel Washington, but you have been type casted for some time. If you happen to read this review, I would bow down to your skills, but def. not someone who is of my most talented. I still totally heart you though bro). Also, I don't list actors who were good back in the day. I know Pacino, Deniro, and yes Christopher Walken are amazing actors, but hey haven't done great movies in a looooong time. So, as much as I love their work, we are focusing on future talent. Actors I mention have done many different roles that show how different they can be. Something that us people in the "biz" like to call "range". So, without further or due, here is my list (not necessarily in order). I will put the person along with great movies that express how talented they can be.

James Franco - Pineapple Express, Milk, Spider Man, Many different soap operas (yea it's wierd, but to do such a range is verrry impressive)
Sean Penn - Mystic River, Dead Man Walking, Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Leonardo Dicaprio - Titanic, Shutter Island, Inception, The Departed
Christian Bale - Batman Movies, American Psycho, The Prestige
Brad Pitt - Fight Club, Inglorious Basterds, Seven
Edward Norton - 25th Hour (soooo good BTW), American History X, The Illusionist, Rounders
Kevin Spacey - The Usual Suspects, Glenngarry Glen Ross, American Beauty
Tom Hanks - Fuck you if you don't love him. I'm not even gonna name his movies cause he rules
Don Cheadle - Hotel Rwanda, Funny or Die, Oceans Movies, Crash
Johnny Depp - Edward ScissorHands (one of my favorite movies as a kid), Blow, Pirates movies, Fear and Loathing, Chocolat

Now, everyone thinks their top ten list is the best, right? Well, fuck them, cause mine is the right one. Mmmmm, maybe not. BUT, there may be reasons you think it isn't and you have some actors that are the best, right? Well, maybe the following actors are on your list and I can possibly change your mind.

Denzel Washington - Great actor, but please do another role besides you yelling at someone. You used to do some great shit like Philadephia, and now they just type cast you into being a mean asshole who has a right to fuck everyone up.

Al Pacino - Dude, you were the reason movies were amazing.............yea, I said "were". You haven't done anything good in a long time. Dog Day Afternoon, Serpico, Godfather, damnit you were like the Jesus Christ of Actors. Now, you do crappy movies. 20 years ago, you'd be on top of my awesome list.

Robert Deniro - Read PapaCino's list. You were awesome man, now you don't do great movies. Raging Bull, Casino, Taxi Driver. Now, you reprise roles like Meet the Parents, Fockers, etc. Don't make me cry anymore for you.

Matt Damon - You're movies are amazing to this day. Don't get me wrong. However, you need to stop being this badass guy who can kick the shit out of everyone. you are the white version of Denzel. You were soooooooooooo close to making my top ten, but just missed. You have a lot of talent, but you fall short in showing it in your movies because you haven't shown range in a long time. Go back to your roots Will Hunting.

Nicholas Cage - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAH..........I hate you

Keanu Reeves - HAHAHA read above. Plus, why the hell does every director think you're the perfect person to play the roles that save the world? I took a shit earlier today that has more potential to save the world than you do. I hope you die in a telephone booth where you're career started. Eddie Van Halen is never going to join your rock band with your no talent ass in it. Wylde Stallions!

Jack Nicholson - Listen, you are of the greatest actors ever. I even have one of your movies sitting on my table right now, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest". However, you don't do much that shows range anymore. It was veeeery hard to keep you off my list, but it had to be done. Please, put something together soon that will make me put you on top. You know you deserve it.

Ok bitches. That's about all I have to say about that. Hate me, love me, do whatever. We all have our opinions, but mine are supreme.