Plot

King of Kong

One man, one arcade cabinet, one lonely guy who has never seen the other gender before. He seeks that what has never been seen before. No, not a vagina, but a high score of Donkey Kong. In the 1980s, Billy Mitchell achieved the feat of feats, the greatest score ever in Donkey Kong. Many said it could never be beat, as many had tried. Until one man who was laid off in the early 2000s had too much time on his hands, and took a shot…

And he’s still a loser…

Summary

I heard about this movie because a show on Sirius XM made fun of it so much, but at the same time described it as “something you have to see”. How is that possible? Such a shit show that is so terrible no one takes it serious, but something you can’t miss? There is no such a thing.

O…there is…

Let’s get down to it right away. Billy Mitchell. If you could describe this guy that would make sense to the non-video game player, you would say he’s the Al Pacino of players. Someone that if you met outside of his craft, you’d describe as the weirdest fucking guy you’d ever met. Who wears sunglasses 24/7? Why does he always talk like he smokes a pack a cigarettes a day but stopped smoking 20 years ago? What a creep! But if you knew him for what he did you’d say “O, that’s Pacino. He’s a Genius. Have you seen The Godfather? Yea, so shut up!” So this “Pacino” esque player sets the highest score of Donkey Kong anyone has ever seen. Not years down the line, but when it came out in 1982!It was amazing in its time. No one ever came close to it, and never did for years on years….

Until one guy got laid off from his job and was really….really……bored.

Have you ever been laid off from a job? I have. It’s one of the most unknown situations you can be in. One day you have a 9-5 situation, the next day you wake up going, “sooooooooo, anyone wanna hang out?” Well Steve Wiebe had that, and he decided to start playing the arcade game Donkey Kong. He bought the actual arcade game and installed it in his garage; played for hours…..days…..months…..years on end to finally set the highest score. And that’s when the movie takes off.

Review

Honestly, this documentary gave me more knowledge than any other documentary I’ve ever seen. I grew up pumping quarters into machines to play whenever I could. It was part of my blood. I had NES, SNES, N64, Xbox, and now an Xbox One. My life was video game driven. I recently went to an arcade bar in DC and they had the infamous Donkey Kong. I thought, “FUCK this, it’s simple! Jump the barrels, climb the ladders.” I pumped at least 3 dollars into the game and didn’t get passed the first level!

I’m dancing around talking about this movie because it can’t be described. In short, you have a guy who is known as “The King of Kong”. No, I’m not fucking with you. Billy Mitchell, the human cesspool of Florida, somehow set the highest score ever of one of the earliest Arcade Games I know of. Trust me, he never lets you forget about it either. So, years go by. I MEAN Years, like 20. And some laid off guy, who is super nice and awesome, decides “you know what, I’m going to break this record”. And you’re like “Yea, please do, because that guy who hasn’t gotten his hair cut since he beat the game, nor decided his style of clothes changed 20 years ago, is still in charge of all the other people who haven’t seen a vagina since they came out of one”. If you think I burned some bridges in the arcade community by saying that, you have no idea what happened to poor Steve.

Now, Steve is the greatest guy you can root for. He gets laid off and decides “hey, you know what, I’d like to beat a record”. He’s so nice about it you’d think he’s Canadian. Well, he’s not, but damn close to it being in Seattle. So, he gets laid off and decides to go after the Donkey Kong record. Listen, I know this means nothing to anyone but in reality it is one of the hardest records ever! No one had come close to this record. So, he decides to buy a cabinet and set it up in his garage. Everyday this unemployed guy, who has a wife and a couple of kids, goes out in his garage and plays Donkey Kong. EVERYDAY! Tim and Pete, my brothers who are reading this now and have a few kids, can you FUCKING IMAGINE your wives just “putting up” with your hobby of playing a video game? Not even playing it, but BUYING THE FUCKING CABINET AND TAKING CARE OF THE KIDS WHILE YOU PLAY THIS ONE AND ONLY VIDEO GAME!!! That’s what this guy does every day he’s unemployed! And, it gets better because his KID ALMOST RUINS THE HIGHEST SCORE EVER SET!

Have I enticed you for this movie yet? Good, because I haven’t explained the 1 on 1 discussion, the stand off, the high stakes arcade play, and more. Everything I just said takes places in the first ¼ of the movie J

Enjoy…

 

 

Kevo Makes His Return...

That's right, I'm baaaaack! 

I took a break from my posts hoping to hear the internet go apeshit that I, Kevo, would take a break from writing. The same way that many artists do, such as David Bowie who uncharacteristically ended his career early before he hit major fame, only to be launched to the top after he came back from hiatus. It's a strategy that people use to gain popularity, and I was ready for it. After waiting for the uproar of the news and people's response, I came upon a realization. Wait for it.....

No one gave a shit.

Well that's the life of an unknown, under qualified, no talent clown who has absolutely no credentials to merit fame. Think of me as the male version of Kim Kardashian, but with a sex video no one would watch.

I don't know how long I'll be writing this time. Before I stopped, I had a good run. I have to credit my brother Tim for always posting my articles on facebook and having a good laugh at them. He always wanted to know when the next post would come out. Thanks brosif, you kept it going.

Tonight, there was no particular "a-ha" moment that made me want to get back into writing about movies. In fact, I've seen more movies and news after my last post that would have made a great read. As a matter of fact, lets review some of the major cinematic highlights since my last post, January 2011...

The Planet of the Apes goes back to its origins with new films

X-Men makes a comeback with a movie about its origins

Spiderman recaptures audiences by remaking it's origin film, only 10 years later...

Superman is redone, again, to do an origin movie....

Wait, I'm sensing a theme here. Lots of origin stories about our favorite characters. Lightbulb. Here's an idea. Everyone seems to love origin movies. Also, biblical movies seem to do well if done right (Passion of the Christ, Noah, Ten Commandments). Why not a movie about Adam and Eve? AN ORIGIN MOVIE ABOUT EARTH! Is that stupid, or just so damn smart no one has thought of it? I'll choose the latter.

You know what HAS happened since 2011 that should have happened a LONG time ago? Gary Oldman FINALLY gets an Oscar Nomination!!!!! YEEEEESSSS! Finally!!!

But he lost.

WELCOME BACK. Cue the music!

Human Centipede 2 Banned in UK

I know, you're just as distraught as I am over the fact that you didn't see the first one. On top of that, you didn't even know they made a second one and now you have to put this on top of your Netflix Que ahead of more worthy movies like Mars Attacks, Final Destination 3 (5?, 6?, 29?), and the first season of Walker Texas Ranger just to catch up and stay relevant in society. Hey, it's either Chuck Norris or some Ass-To-Mouth (ATM) action, and we all know ATM is the only thing that defeated Chuck Norris, because it left him with a bad case of the pink eye.

But to make matters worse, you hear this: The UK has completely banned Human Centipede 2 from it's country. In case you can't translate British, that means no movie theaters or DVDs will have Human Centipede 2 in stock. To say the least, the director wasn't too happy with this decision.

“Thank you BBFC for putting spoilers of my movie on your website and thank you for banning my film in this exceptional way. Apparently I made an horrific horror-film, but shouldn't a good horror film be horrific? My dear people it is a f****cking MOVIE. It is all fictional. Not real. It is all make-belief. It is art. Give people their own choice to watch it or not. If people can't handle or like my movies they just don't watch them. If people like my movies they have to be able to see it any time, anywhere also in the UK.”
- Director Tom Six

First thing that stands out has nothing to do with what he said. In fact, it was his last name. Six? Really, your last name is a number? Who named you, George Kostanza? Did you forget to change it when you got out of directing porn?

I am absolutely furious with this decision, aren't you!?! He's right, if people like his movies, then they should be able to go to their local Wal-Mart and pick them out of the $3 bin. You know, the bin located in the aisle that has the giant cage of assorted balls you have to reverse throw out of the cage in order to get the one that has the bright blue star on it. You deserve that opportunity Mr. Six!

A good horror film SHOULD be horrific......like extremely horrific......like so horrific that you can't even play the Centiped Arcade anymore. Especially not the free play one at the dentists office.....
Gosh darnit, it IS ART! At least the first one was. Remember, it was nominated for 12 Oscars, 7 Golden Globes, 2 Tonys, and somehow even 1 Nickelodeon award. O, it wasn't? Well Daniel Tosh did a 20 minute segment on it, and he only shows videos that are culturally relevant and artsy. O, he doesn't?

Where do they get off ruining the ending! The title gives nothing away, and leaves everything up to the imagination. A Human Centipede? What on Earth could that possibly be? I mean, it could be people lined up like a centipede, with their mouths connected to the crawling person in front of them, but come on! Who woud make a movie about that? That would be ridiculous.

Oh........

Well, fi it doesn't pan out, you can always use that name to get a part as a Bond Villain.

In the next chapter of Bond, 007 battles the mastermind Mr. Six, a diabolical criminal who is set on world domination, or some may say dominatrix. Armed with only his whit and an arsenal of weapons, 007 must figure out how to stop this villain from turning the entire world's population into a Human Centipede of pure energy.....

Or maybe not.

Why X3 Never Should Have Been

If you new me as a kid, you knew three things

1. I got all of my sports knowledge from my older brother Tim, because while I hated getting up for school as an 9 year old, he was watching/reading anything involving ESPN before the sun rose. He hung from Rich Eisen's nuts like Tarzan from a vine.


2. I also hated Tim.


3. I loved TMNT, WWF (wrestling, not that hippie animal foundation), and X-Men cartoons. I wasn't really into the comics, but if you weren't as distraught as I was that Beast was taken out of the cartoon within the first few episodes, then don't even continue reading this, it likely doesn't concern you.

So, as stated from the title, this concerns X-Men.

There was a dark period in my life when X-Men stopped playing on Saturday mornings. This was also a time before the internet children, were you had to find a friend who had recorded episodes on a VHS tape (that's this rectangular box filled with a long black strip thats fun to pull out, but you never should do). I mean yea, I had the usual "Doug", "Wild and Crazy Kids", and of course "Are You Afraid Of The Dark" to get through my weekends; but it never filled that action packed hole (that's what she said. I almost didn't go there, but I did because I'm not censored). I could rip off my pre cut white t-shirt, snap into a slim jim, and do a flying elbow drop off the couch (RIP Randy Savage); but when one of us got hurt, it meant I'd have to go to my room for the rest of the day. My thirst for childhood action came with consequences, and a TV show could have helped save me from hours, no days, of time spent in my room. I continued to live the ass kicking, stitches, and broken limb filled life I was destined; until the year 2000.

X-Men was released in a live action format. "YEEEEESSSSS. OOOO MMMMM GGGGGG". I'll never forget going to the theaters with my roomate (Mom) and seeing it. There was nothing better than sitting infront of a giant screen, with a large overpriced popcorn, and a drink cup the size of my leg filled with sugar flavored crack. Seeing all of my favorite mutants portrayed by the great director Bryan Singer was like christmas, in which each one that came out was a new present you weren't sure you were going to get.

Better yet, 3 years later, he does it again and makes a perfect follow up. More mutants, continuing plot, incredible conclusion. Then X-Men 3 happened....

Wow. What a pile that was. If you haven't seen these movies, then think of it like this: You have a child and he's great. Then he has a child (grandkid) and he's awesome but the excitement factor has gone down. Then your grandchild has a kid, but that kid is an abomination. He's constantly dissapointing you, he's completely different then what you were expecting, and he's having kids with different people that turn out even more dissapointing.

I was told by a friend I worked with at the time to not go see the movie because it will disappoint me. I wondered how, the franchise I love, could end so terribly? Isn't that what we always think? O how, o how, could something I know is so great have THAT kind of trilogy? X-Men will obviously follow some form of comic strip like the previous two, right? No, no it won't friends. It decided to (spoiler alert) kill off almost all of the great characters that made X-Men great! Who decided this was a great idea, I still don't know, but I can tell you why this didn't work after much thought. It might even answer the age old question of "Why do superhero sequels fail".

1. They are comic books! If you are going to take a subject from a previous format (book, movie remake, magazine, etc.), make sure you don't divert from the story! You think you're studio is great enough to make one movie better than 50 years of written story, then you are sadly mistaken.


2. If you get a new director, have the previous one involved in some way or shape. A new X-Men movie is coming out and it's getting great reviews (X-Men First Class) because Bryan Singer is at least a producer.


3. Obviously Hugh Jackman was the star of the first two, but is he the only one needed to have the other movies succeed? He's not everyones favorite X-Men character. Remember, it's not about who plays the character, it's about what characters are involved, which X3 killed off most.

Want proof? Relaunching the Batman series followed all three of my steps. It stayed close to the comic books, stuck with the same director, and didn't kill off of any of the main characters besides villains in order to follow the comic of different villains. What's a higher rated film series? I'll let you figure that one out. This isn't sports! It's not like you're getting really close to the playoffs and need to tweak a few things within management or the team to win the big one. Keep your writers, characters, and directors on board in order to build onto one another so you stay with a winning formula.

-The Dude Abides

Kevo's Ultimate Fictional Bands

Alright you crazy cats, we got some sweet grooves coming your way. So lay back, open your ears, and be ready for the sweet sounds of…..

Ok, I’m no Kasey Casem (when is he going to do voice over work for a Planet Earth type show btw). I am however a huge fan of movies with good plots, sweet music, and a face melting fictional band.

In today’s post, we focus on the issue of great fictional movie bands. There are a lot out there, and I mean too many that deserve the spotlight, but a light can only cast on so many. Will yours shine in the limelight? Let’s take a look…

The Oneders (That Thing You Do)

Ok, keep your pants on girls. You knew they were going to be on this list. With a challenging name, a band struggling with an identity crisis, and the similarity to a certain band named after a certain insect; it’s a given you’d see them. What really sold them to me; Tom Hanks is their manager. If you had to pick one actor to be an actual band manager, wouldn’t he be your pick too? Props to Nat for this extra nugget I almost left out.

Why I almost left them off? THEY HAD ONE SONG! I get it, I’m doing that thing I do, or she does, or someone does. This is your all time biggest one hit wonder band EVER, because not only did they have a one hit wonder, their name is the ONEders. If you love this band, then I accuse you of loving other one hit wonders, like Los Del Rio “The Macarena”. Next time I hear that song, I will think about how I’m going to tap dance on your balls.

Spinal Tap (This Is Spinal Tap)

I refuse to have a list of fictional bands, and Spinal Tap doesn’t get on it. They struggle throughout the whole movie, perform at the most ridiculous venues, and get caught with aluminum foil wrapped cucumbers in their pants while going through airport security. Along with their follies, they provide the true meaning of rock and roll; play it loud.

11 will, and always will, be louder than 10.

Figrin Dan and the Modal Nodes (?)

Ok, dig deep into your inner geek. Who is this I’m talking about? I’ll give you a hint: They played in a bar in a galaxy far, far away...

The Star Wars Band! In particular, they play at the Mos Eisley Cantina bar. Yea, I didn’t realize that they had a name either, but apparently they do. Here’s a brief description of them from the Star Wars Wikipedia site:

"Fiery" Figrin D'an (alias Barbarine) was the Bith leader of the band the Modal Nodes. His older brother was Barquin D'an. Specializing in Jizz music, Figrin played a reed instrument known as a Kloo horn, as well as a percussion instrument called a Gasan string drum.

Excuse me, did that just say they play JIZZ music? I’m sorry, but that is one of the worst alterations you could make to the word “Jazz” ever written. Now, to make fun of you Mr. Lucas; put 20 seconds on the clock, I'm going to Tosh.O you right now.

I bet their drummer gives out the best kind of rim shots.
I wonder where their sticking their instruments during Jizz music band camp.
Jenna Jameson is the best Jizz musician I’ve ever seen.
Black guys have the biggest Jizz instruments.

Ok, I’m done. You know the band, and you wish they played at your Sweet 16.

Wait, one more: After they finish playing, you have to clean the stage with tissues.

The Lone Rangers (Airheads)

Break into a record studio: Check
Hold a radio stage hostage with water guns: Check
Sign a record contract: Check
Steve Buscemi on Bass: Niiiiiiice

I love the song that plays in this movie. It’s actually a real song by Reagan Youth called “Degenerated”, but the movie version is much better. No band in any movie has a more rock and roll type approach to getting their music played than The Lone Rangers, so that keeps them on my list. Also, no one wiped their ass with a record contract before. ROCK AND ROOOLLLLLL!

Wyld Stallyns (Bill and Ted Movies)

The Wyld Stallyns stated that they won’t get any better unless they get Eddie Van Halen to be in their band. That’s a lofty goal to achieve. I mean, it’s Eddie. In the 80s, there were more notebooks with his name on them than there were Jersey trash Madonna look a likes.

But when Eddie says in an interview that if Wyld Stallyns weren’t a fictional band he would join them; then you know you’ve fictionally made it. They would be the greatest fictional rock group around, banging the hottest fictional women, and doing fictional cocaine on their private fictional jet.

Sadly, they are not. At least they got the Grim Reaper, who plays a meeeeaaan stand up bass.

Stillwater (Almost Famous)

There has never been a band that I felt instantly disappointed with when I heard them play in a movie. Not because they suck, but because they're not real. This band kicks so much ass the world has to sit on a donut pillow after hearing them.

Take the dynamic of Led Zeppelin, and add southern rock. Ya, I need to change my pants now too.

I’m also insanely jealous that not only was Peter Frampton the technical advisor on this movie, but he trained Billy Crudup how to play guitar. Hey Billy, next time you decide to jump off a house, land on the concrete.

Honorable Mention

Blues Brothers Band - No, because Jim Belushi thinks he can step in for his brother. Accroding to Kevo, you suck
The Pinheads - Marty McFly's band, but we didn't hear much from them in the movie.
Marvin Berry and The Starlights - Marty McFly's band during the dance. Not in consideration, because they're the originators of music stealing.
"Chuck. Chuck. It's Marvin - your cousin, Marvin BERRY. You know that new sound you're looking for? Well, too bad, cause we just stole yo shit!"
Cassandra and Cruical Taunt - Hot babe from Waynes World. In consideration, but it was Wayne who truely made it happen, then Christopher Walken.
Something About Mary Band - Don't know the name of them, but they seemed to annoy everyone during the movie. I don't promote a sucky show.
Muppet Band - If I had to put together a super group of the best fictional band members from all movies, Animal would be my drummer. Other muppets would be left behind.

50 Movies in 1 Picture

I know some of you have seen this done before, whether it be the Rolling Stone picture or otherwise. This one, however, has 50 different movie titles all built into one picture.

Can you find them all?

Kevo's Holiday Treat

It wouldn't be right if I didn't put up a holiday themed post. Well, you can thank my friend Ari, who repeatedly reminded me that it is my duty to put up something of that nature. So, I decided on a Christmas theme. Yea, you heard me, CHRISTMAS! I know some of my friends are Jewish, but this is the only December holiday I understand. If you're offended, go throw in an Adam Sandler CD, cause I'm sorry, I don't care.

And Kwanza? What the fuck is that?

Anyways, with much help from my friend Ben, I finally settled on an idea that shouldn't cause too much debate. Let's be honest, if I did a "Top 10 Holiday Movie List", it would be contested until next year. So, I've come to...

5 Common Holiday Movie Cliches

Intrigued? You should be, because it just wouldn't be christmas without...

1) Some Shitty Guests
This cliche usually provides the most laughs you will get out of a holiday movie. My personal favorite shitty guest is an inlaw, and his name is Cousin Eddie. I don't think it's possible to combine as many horrendous qualities in a person, and still wish that he would show up at your house to empty his septic tank into the sewer. Not only do I salute this man, but I salute his hat.

Other guests to include in my shitty holiday are:
Kevin's Uncle Frank in "Home Alone" - Look what you did, you little jerk.
Willie Stokes in "Bad Santa" - If this guy managed to finagle his way into your home on Christmas, he's probably looking for some "damn sandwhiches" and a way to bang your mom.
Santa Claus in "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" - Ok, I never saw this movie, but the title explains it all. Santa's a two timing whore trying to get on all the groupie, gold digging moms out there. Just be careful, that's not reindeer sausage in his pocket.

2) A Life That Sucks (but in actuality it really isn't that bad; it's more like YOU suck)
You know exactly what movies this theme runs in: A Christmas Carol, It's a Wonderful Life, How The Grinch Stole Christmas, and more. So, how about we focus on the first three.

No, Scrooge, you're life doesn't suck, YOU SUCK. Maybe it would be a little better if you stopped picking on little handicapped boys who just want to spread some christmas cheer. O, and give a raise for once in your life. You're so cheap I'm surprised you're not celebrating Chanukah instead.

No, Jimmy Stewart, you're life doesn't suck, YOU SUCK. Well, actually, you're a really nice guy. You saved you're brothers life; you're boss' life; and even promised the moon to a girl, and weren't even mad when she didn't put out. You just didn't have any luck on your side. But you know who else didn't; EVERYONE. What makes you so special you feel the need to go off yourself? It's called a depression, and if you were a little more careful with everyone's money, maybe you wouldn't be in the situation you're in. You know what, you do suck. And so does that asshole Clarence.

No, Mr. Grinch, you're life doesn't suck, YOU SUCK. You're living like a homeless person in a cave just because you hate the holidays? What? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. You need to get off you're ass, get a haircut, and find a job Grinch. No one's giving free handouts with the economy the way it is, and there's no chance you're going to get laid if you don't get rid of that beer belly. If you're going to hate on people, dress up as a pimp and go to a "Playa Hata's Ball"

3) Something Claymation
Any movies involving the North Pole generally come in claymation form. Frosty the snowman movies, rudolph movies, and the beginning of Elf. There is nothing wrong with this, as it seems it's become rather "classic" to enrich your movie this way.

What isn't classical, though, was "A Nightmare Before Christmas". I have not seen that movie in ages, because quite frankly, it scared the shit out of me. Tim Burton is demented, and ruined my Christmas for one year as a child with that movie. Who makes a movie mixing Christmas, Halloween, and kidnapping all in one? Claymation was a happy way to make holiday films, until 1993.

Also, maybe it's just me, but when I see a Frosty the Snowman and Arctic Puffin talking to eachother in a claymation movie; I immediately think they are going to battle to the death because of the many hours I spent playing Clayfighter. Thinking about it, maybe that ruined claymation for me...

4) For everyone 1 good movie, there are 5 crappy ones
The title explains it, but for more clarification, I'll list some of the "gems" I'm talking about:

Santa with Muscles (1996) — An evil millionaire gets amnesia and then believes that he is Santa Claus.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) — Martians kidnap Santa Claus because there is nobody on Mars to give their children presents.
Santa's Slay (2005) — In this horror/comedy movie, it is revealed that Santa Claus is actually a demon who lost a bet with an Angel, but when the bet is off, he returns to his evil ways.
Santa Claus (1959) — Santa battles evil demons in outer space.

So based on these titles, if aliens ever attack, Christmas is off.

5) Tim Allen
This guy was in 4, count em, 4 christmas movies. Granted 3 of them started with "The Santa Claus", but there was no reason why he should have been in anymore than 1. "The Santa Claus" was a fun movie when I was a kid, but I have no intentions on seeing the 2 sequels, or the crapfest holiday movie "Christmas With The Kranks".

How did Tim Allen get the gig as Santa in the first place? It was 1994 and he was in the middle of a very successful television show "Home Improvement", but I don't think any kids were in need of a Binford 6100 chainsaw. However, he is a comedian, so I guess he would be able to spread holiday cheer. And if by holiday cheer you mean coke, then yes, he would be a perfect Santa for all the Christmas Rehab clinics in the land; seeing as he was busted for possession of 1.4 pounds of columbian bam bam in 1978. I guess it's gonna be a white christmas if Tim Allen's coming to town.


Well, there ya have it. Watch out for these Christmas Cliche's when you snuggle up to the fire with family this year.

O, and if you happen to watch one of those crappy holiday movies I listed, PLEASE let me know. I would love to hear how they are.