How did movies get Kevo through his teenage years...

Alright, I got my first post up after a long drought. Let's see if I can get back into full form.

I enjoy movies for many reasons. I could write them all down, but who needs another life lesson nowadays, right? How about reminiscing the life lessons we learned from movies during out teenage years, because that way, you will understand why I can never watch “There’s Something About Mary” with my mom again. Yes, Tim, the story must be told. IT MUST!

The best way I figure we can go about this is by stating a teenage issue, and applying a lesson learned from a movie. With pride on the line, we begin…

Puberty – It happens, and it’s inevitable. Everyone grows up and becomes a hairy beast. For some of us, our face explodes like Arnold Schwarzenneger's did in Total Recall. It’s Puberty, prepare yourself. However, I was never scared of growing excess hair, and it was because of this 80’s movie, “Teen Wolf”. Whoever said that being the hairy kid in school was awful; just wasn’t hairy enough. HE WAS THE SHIT! For some odd reason, instead of being hunted down by a mass mob and burned at the stake, he got better at basketball and chicks were clamoring for his nuts. How perfect, I’m short like Michael J. Fox, so this should work out perfectly. I can’t wait for high school Billy…

In fact, I can. What did puberty do for me? I got braces, had a squeaky voice, and like I stated, am still vertically challenged (or short, if you want to be a dick about it). Even though I still don’t have back hair (praise the lord), my white ass doesn’t go inside the 3 point line. At least I have my hairline and am not going bal…….SONOFABITCH!

Masturbation – Well I mentioned that an embarrassing story would be told, and here it is. Have you ever seen “There’s Something About Mary”? Yea. Ok, have you ever seen it with your parents? Maybe. Did you ever watch it with only your mom when you were in 6th grade and had avoided the sex talk up until now? Probably not. Well here is a good life lesson: when you are a teenager, movies start to become more graphic and they are not to be watched with your parents. While watching that movie, I asked my mom “What’s that stuff on his ear?”, and she proceeded to explain to me, vaguely, what older men do to themselves. Still not understanding this concept, I replied “So how many times am I supposed to do that?”. That’s when our relationship changed forever, and she walked out of the room to get my dad. To this day, I can’t look at hair gel the same. Well, what I thought was hair gel at the time…

Drugs – Don’t do drugs, mmkay. It’s as simple as that, and is overly stated during D.A.R.E. I bet that acronym brings back memories… Anyways, we see drugs referenced throughout movies, many now being seen in any movie Seth Rogen has a part in (he’s like the new Cheech and Chong, but with just Chong). There are, however, some of those movies that don’t show the fun side of drugs, and the most terrifying is “Requiem for a Dream”. Have you seen this movie? If you haven’t, then keep it that way. I think it’s sole purpose was to destroy of you wanting to do drugs, have sex, or be on a game show. I was horrified from this movie, and wouldn’t touch headache medicine for months. This taught me a life lesson that is very important; if you do drugs, you will either go to jail, cut your arm off, or become a sex slave. And believe it or not, I actually mean “and/or”, because 2/3 might happen to you. Drugs are bad, mmkay?

Sex – This is the last life lesson you get, because it’s likely the last hump in being a teenager (no pun intended). You need to hit puberty and be able to masturbate before you can have sex, and if you had sex before either of those, then you must have had some craaazzy drugs. Therefore, sex is our last life lesson.

Everyone remembers learning about sex in school, and how babies are made. You also remember seeing being shown the picture of the inside of a woman’s naughty part. It was like a treasure map of what sperm had to follow in order to make it all the way to the finish line. Also, doesn’t it look an awful lot like a bulls head to anyone else? The fallopian tubes looked like horns, and the uterus looks like the head. If you think I’m wrong, pull up that treasure map like view of a uterus, along with a bulls head. Do you see it now?

Anyways, it never made sense to me. What do you mean it has to travel along these bends and might not make it? Then, I saw “Look Who’s Talking”! The opening of that movie finally made me understand the process a baby goes through to get to the egg, and that all but one just won’t quite get there. Regardless, they looked like they were having a blast while doing it (again, no pun intended). Other topics realized in that movie include: how to get free lunches in the city, always be a gentleman to women, and all babies are badass Bruce Willi (that’s the spelling of multiple Bruce Willis’s).