5 Movies That Upset Kevo's Future Dreams

Alright, back with another addition of the Kevo Movie Blog. It's late at night and I'm very upset. I know, I know, you're probably upset too. Cause you saw that VT vs. Boise State football game too. No? Well, I guess if you didn't, then you don't understand why I put out a death warrant on that old fuck Musburger like the firemen did on the Muslims who want to build a mosque at the 9/11 site. I hope BSU bends over and takes a train full of Idaho potatoes in their asses. Too harsh, well, you might want to not read the rest of the things that ruined my childhood dreams.

1) Total Recall

Kevo, you are upset that we haven't landed on Mars, or have no possiblity of landing on Mars at any point soon? No, that is not why I am upset. I first watched that movie with my Uncle, Uncle Leif (yes, that is his name. He is of Nordish decent, so automatically deemed a badass). Good ol Uncle Leif loves all movies that start with Schwarz, and end with Negger. That's an "e" you racists. He loves Arnie, and Total Recall was the first movie that I saw boobs in (if you understand the Kevo rating, that gets an automatic extra point in the system). Did I see 1, yes. did I see 2, yes. Did I see 3, YES! Have I ever seen 3 boobs on a girl ever, NOOOOOO! Therefore, Total Recall has not lived up to the hype. I have yet to see 3 boobs in my lifetime (at one time that is).

2) Little Big League

This is one of those movies that came out along with another movie very similar. A few come to mind; Deep Impact and Armageddon, Antz and A Bug's Life, Rookie of the Year and Little Big League.

"Some pitchers like to ice up their arms after a game, while others feel that HEAT is the answer. I’ve found the solution Henry…HOT ICE! I just heat up, the ice cubes. Its the best of both worlds!" Mad props to my old band Hot Ice.

This movie DESTROYED everything that I wanted as a kid. When I was fielding ground balls like the "vacuum" they used to call me, I figured "Kevo, if this doesn't work out, you can always manage a baseball team by your teenage years and ride that til college". O, could I?
NO. I couldn't. And if you find the asshole whole actually got to manage a baseball team (fantasy doesn't count dorks), then take that pine tar, and have Sosa cork his butthole. I HAD DREAMS!

3) Back To The Future

Congratulations BTTF on your 25 years of respect from nerds, Michael J Fox, and Huey Lewis fans everywhere. You have established this movie as one to look to the future, because if we can't solve our problems now, lets go back in time and change it so it all works now. Or, as I like to refer to it as, the movie that made everything look within reach, actually be WAY TO FAR INTO THE FUTURE. Let's have a look...

Still can't fly a car, ride a hoverskateboard, or have a creepy old man hang out with a teenage boy. Sales for white vans everywhere have tanked since.

I was fully expecting to be able to fly to school by now. I used to read the ads in the back of "Boys Life" magazine and see the "hovercraft vehicle" that was easily assembled with a vacuum motor and spare parts around your house. O, was it easy? Why don't you tell that to my friend Jimmy who we now call Nemo because he got his arm cut off from that product. And you thought my dreams were killed...

4) National Lampoon's Vegas Vacation

Please, when I reference any of the National Lampoons movies, take it as a grain of salt. They are all exceptional, especially Christmas Vacation (don't you just wish you had an Uncle Eddie?). However, have you ever been gambling? Cause I sure as hell have, and never have I had this happen...

"Well, four slot machines and I won four cars. You know, I put a dollar in, I got a car. I put a dollar in, I got a car. I put a dollar in, I got a car. I put a dollar in, I got a car."

Hey, Papa Georgio, go put a dollar in your dick hole, because THAT NEVER HAPPENS TO ANYONE! Last time I gambled, this happened.

"O, you know Dad. I put a dollar in, I lost. I put a dollar in, I lost my car. I put a dollar in, I got crabs". Go back to Yuma Arizona.

5) Ten Things I Hate About You

This movie had a lot of things going for them at the time. Heath Ledger, Joseph Gordon Levitt, and Alex Mac. What it didn't have, was high hopes for anyone who wished to sing "You're Just Too Good To Be True" by Frankie Vallie and the Four Seasons at a karaoke event on their cruise to Alaska. Was it I, Kevo, who dared to take the plunge in karaoke by his lonesome on a cruise ship.......yes. Did I succeed? No, and unfortunately, there is video evidence to prove this. 30 seconds of it to be exact. What did I learn?

Autotune isn't just used in music, it's used in movies too.

I can sing as good as Hasselhoff can stay sober.

Alcohol may make you think can sing, but just like crabs, your humility will last forever.

So there you have it. 5 Movies that made me have high hopes as a kid, but never came true.

P.S. I never had crabs you idiots. I had the clap.