50 Movies in 1 Picture

I know some of you have seen this done before, whether it be the Rolling Stone picture or otherwise. This one, however, has 50 different movie titles all built into one picture.

Can you find them all?

Kevo's Holiday Treat

It wouldn't be right if I didn't put up a holiday themed post. Well, you can thank my friend Ari, who repeatedly reminded me that it is my duty to put up something of that nature. So, I decided on a Christmas theme. Yea, you heard me, CHRISTMAS! I know some of my friends are Jewish, but this is the only December holiday I understand. If you're offended, go throw in an Adam Sandler CD, cause I'm sorry, I don't care.

And Kwanza? What the fuck is that?

Anyways, with much help from my friend Ben, I finally settled on an idea that shouldn't cause too much debate. Let's be honest, if I did a "Top 10 Holiday Movie List", it would be contested until next year. So, I've come to...

5 Common Holiday Movie Cliches

Intrigued? You should be, because it just wouldn't be christmas without...

1) Some Shitty Guests
This cliche usually provides the most laughs you will get out of a holiday movie. My personal favorite shitty guest is an inlaw, and his name is Cousin Eddie. I don't think it's possible to combine as many horrendous qualities in a person, and still wish that he would show up at your house to empty his septic tank into the sewer. Not only do I salute this man, but I salute his hat.

Other guests to include in my shitty holiday are:
Kevin's Uncle Frank in "Home Alone" - Look what you did, you little jerk.
Willie Stokes in "Bad Santa" - If this guy managed to finagle his way into your home on Christmas, he's probably looking for some "damn sandwhiches" and a way to bang your mom.
Santa Claus in "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" - Ok, I never saw this movie, but the title explains it all. Santa's a two timing whore trying to get on all the groupie, gold digging moms out there. Just be careful, that's not reindeer sausage in his pocket.

2) A Life That Sucks (but in actuality it really isn't that bad; it's more like YOU suck)
You know exactly what movies this theme runs in: A Christmas Carol, It's a Wonderful Life, How The Grinch Stole Christmas, and more. So, how about we focus on the first three.

No, Scrooge, you're life doesn't suck, YOU SUCK. Maybe it would be a little better if you stopped picking on little handicapped boys who just want to spread some christmas cheer. O, and give a raise for once in your life. You're so cheap I'm surprised you're not celebrating Chanukah instead.

No, Jimmy Stewart, you're life doesn't suck, YOU SUCK. Well, actually, you're a really nice guy. You saved you're brothers life; you're boss' life; and even promised the moon to a girl, and weren't even mad when she didn't put out. You just didn't have any luck on your side. But you know who else didn't; EVERYONE. What makes you so special you feel the need to go off yourself? It's called a depression, and if you were a little more careful with everyone's money, maybe you wouldn't be in the situation you're in. You know what, you do suck. And so does that asshole Clarence.

No, Mr. Grinch, you're life doesn't suck, YOU SUCK. You're living like a homeless person in a cave just because you hate the holidays? What? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. You need to get off you're ass, get a haircut, and find a job Grinch. No one's giving free handouts with the economy the way it is, and there's no chance you're going to get laid if you don't get rid of that beer belly. If you're going to hate on people, dress up as a pimp and go to a "Playa Hata's Ball"

3) Something Claymation
Any movies involving the North Pole generally come in claymation form. Frosty the snowman movies, rudolph movies, and the beginning of Elf. There is nothing wrong with this, as it seems it's become rather "classic" to enrich your movie this way.

What isn't classical, though, was "A Nightmare Before Christmas". I have not seen that movie in ages, because quite frankly, it scared the shit out of me. Tim Burton is demented, and ruined my Christmas for one year as a child with that movie. Who makes a movie mixing Christmas, Halloween, and kidnapping all in one? Claymation was a happy way to make holiday films, until 1993.

Also, maybe it's just me, but when I see a Frosty the Snowman and Arctic Puffin talking to eachother in a claymation movie; I immediately think they are going to battle to the death because of the many hours I spent playing Clayfighter. Thinking about it, maybe that ruined claymation for me...

4) For everyone 1 good movie, there are 5 crappy ones
The title explains it, but for more clarification, I'll list some of the "gems" I'm talking about:

Santa with Muscles (1996) — An evil millionaire gets amnesia and then believes that he is Santa Claus.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) — Martians kidnap Santa Claus because there is nobody on Mars to give their children presents.
Santa's Slay (2005) — In this horror/comedy movie, it is revealed that Santa Claus is actually a demon who lost a bet with an Angel, but when the bet is off, he returns to his evil ways.
Santa Claus (1959) — Santa battles evil demons in outer space.

So based on these titles, if aliens ever attack, Christmas is off.

5) Tim Allen
This guy was in 4, count em, 4 christmas movies. Granted 3 of them started with "The Santa Claus", but there was no reason why he should have been in anymore than 1. "The Santa Claus" was a fun movie when I was a kid, but I have no intentions on seeing the 2 sequels, or the crapfest holiday movie "Christmas With The Kranks".

How did Tim Allen get the gig as Santa in the first place? It was 1994 and he was in the middle of a very successful television show "Home Improvement", but I don't think any kids were in need of a Binford 6100 chainsaw. However, he is a comedian, so I guess he would be able to spread holiday cheer. And if by holiday cheer you mean coke, then yes, he would be a perfect Santa for all the Christmas Rehab clinics in the land; seeing as he was busted for possession of 1.4 pounds of columbian bam bam in 1978. I guess it's gonna be a white christmas if Tim Allen's coming to town.


Well, there ya have it. Watch out for these Christmas Cliche's when you snuggle up to the fire with family this year.

O, and if you happen to watch one of those crappy holiday movies I listed, PLEASE let me know. I would love to hear how they are.

December 7th Movie of the Week

Natural Born Killers

Director: Oliver Stone
Writers: Quentin Tarantino (story), David Veloz, Richard Rutowski, Oliver Stone

Actors:
Woody Harrelson - Mickey Knox
Juliette Lewis - Mallory Knox
Tom Sizemore - Det. Jack Scagnetti
Rodney Dangerfield - Mallory's Dad
Robert Downey Jr. - Wayne Gale
Tommy Lee Jones - Warden Dwight McClusky

Ratings: 7.1/10 on IMDB
52% on Rotten Tomatoes

It's been a while since I wrote a movie review (for anyone following, Wild Wild Gayfest was the last one I did in August). Let's see if I can remember how to do this...

Trailer: Natural Born Killers

Plot Summary: Two lovers embark on a killing spree that spans the country and leaves dozens dead in it's wake. Adorned by fans, and followed by the media, these "Bonnie and Clyde" type murderers are on the run from famed detective Jack Scagnetti, who's looking to add to his elaborate career by making an example of them. Directed by Oliver Stone, this socially satirical movie follows right in his footsteps by taking a controversial subject head on. Will your perceptions change about the media, or will you too fall in love with this psycotic duo?

My friends call me the shittier, cheaper version of Roger Ebert.

What I wish was told to me before I watched this movie: Hey Kevo, have you ever gone into a movie expecting one thing, and getting way more then you asked for? Well, expect that to happen here.

Opinion: Woah........ I don't really know what to say after I watched this. There are a couple movies that leave you speechless after you watch them (Schindler's List, American History X, Debbie Does Dallas), and this was one of them. It's been roughly two weeks since I finished this up, so I've been able to work through what I saw.

First of all, if you've seen any Oliver Stone movie, then expect to be offended if it's you he is making fun of. In this case, if you love reality shows title "blah blah Housewives", "blah blah of Love (1,2,3...10,11,12)", or anything involving some criminal, then you are the unfortunate subject this movie aims at. It's a satire on the idea that the media will cover anything that gets them ratings, and in turn Americans will glamorize it. If you think that is absurd, then think about the news and what it turns into.

Crash the White House party, be on a show called "Real Housewives of DC"
Be a complete bitch to your husband you had 8 kids with, hello "Jon and Bitch Plus 8"
Pretend your kid went in a balloon and is about to become the first accidental human astronaut, "Space Boy"

Well, the last one never got a show, but he stated that was his whole intention behind the stunt. 2/3 of those are criminal offenses, and the one that's not should be, because being a bitch who whores her children out to the media deserves jail time. I bet at least 2 of those little bastards end up with teenage addiction to drugs or alcohol, any takers?

It's very interesting that this movie came out in 1994 because the concept of media overkill doesn't seem to be that bad compared to now. Yea, we had our fair share of reality television like Real World, but it wasn't even close to the crap that is followed now. Natural Born Killers seems like it came out before it's time, doesn't it? I know many of you probably haven't watched the movie, but if you think about the concept, doesn't it seem relatable to todays television?

Media is media. You take it with a grain of salt, and you chose your medium; whether it be internet, television, radio, or Kevo's Movie Blog (clearly unbiased, whitty, and clever). This movie hits home in a very odd sort of way that leaves you a little bit freaked out. And with that, is our que to the next segment...

What I disliked: Besides the fact that I was NOT ready for this movie at all, I didn't like how long it took to really get into. If you choose to see this movie, you will probably enjoy it. However, it takes a good amount of time to really understand where it's actually going after a while. Besides two people on a killing spree, the plot and message don't really come around until roughly 30 minutes. Stick with it, though, because it is very interesting.

Seeing as this movie was about the media, Oliver Stone used 18 different film formats. What this translates too is a very artsy, colorful, and wild film throughout. Plenty of black and white, extra lighting, and green screen was too much for me at times. I guess I don't see the necessity, but hey, I'm just a douchey reviewer who lives in his parents basement. The most artistic thing I ever made was an A-Z book about animals in the rainforest, and I'm pretty sure Mom did most of the work.

What I liked: The cast...

Woody Harrelson might have played the coolest role I have yet to see from him, besides White Men Can't Jump. I mean, you can't beat that role, and you can't beat him in basketball in that role. Unless you hustle him, of course.

Juliette Lewis would be the LAST person you'd expect for her part. I've seen her largely in comedies, and once as a retard (I don't know what her handicap was, so it's not polite to assume and offend people who have that handicap, so I'll generalize there). You'll be shocked at first when you see her.

Robert Downey Jr./Tom Sizemore - If you want to konw what Tom Sizemore would be like as a cop, this is exactly what I imagined. What would RDJ look like as a journalist? Well not this, but I threw him in there with TS for one reason. Can you guess it?

Did you say drugs? I think you said drugs. You said drugs, didn't you? Yeeeaaa, you did.

What were the early 90's like for these actors? I think I know, but I'm sure as hell they don't know, probably because they had more coke and drugs in their body than, well, THESE TWO IN THE 90S! I wonder what the wrap up party was like? I imagine it looked a lot like the last scene in scarface, except less guns, and more headfirst dives into piles of coke. O, and hookers, lots and lots of hookers.

As I've stated thoroughly, I enjoyed the concept because I think it is very relatable to how people get famous now. It's a shame to see how we glamourize people for doing wrong, acting wrong, or saying the wrong things. I don't want my kids growing up looking at a T.V. lineup full of shows featuring people who never did anything good to deserve it in the first place. Then again, Creed from The Office used to be an acid tripping musician, so you can't get rid of all of them.

Favorite Scene: There weren't any great scenes in this movie, so its hard to narrow just one of them down. Doing my best to not ruin the movie (hopefully I haven't done that so far), Woody Harrelson being interviewed. That's as far as I feel I can go.

Interesting Facts: Definitely one of the most interesting movie facts sections I have reviewed so far:

• The interview between Wayne Gale and Mickey was based upon Geraldo Rivera's interviews with Charles Manson and the infamous Mike Wallace interview with Manuel Noriega.
• Coca-Cola approved the use of the Polar Bear ads for its product in the movie without having a full idea of what the movie was about; when the Board of Directors saw the finished product, they were furious. (HAHAHA when stuff like that happens, it always makes me laugh for some reason.)
• Acclaimed as the #1 film of the 1990s by Entertainment Weekly
• Premiere voted this movie as one of "The 25 Most Dangerous Movies".
• Entertainment Weekly ranked the film as the 8th most controversial movie ever made.

Final Comments: I think those facts, especially the last 2, should wrap up everything I've been saying about the movie. It was good, don't get me wrong, but it is NOT for date night, with your parents, or if you're contemplating a mass murder spree.

3/5 Kevos - If you like what I wrote, then go out and get this movie. I don't lie about movies, because without endorsements, why would I. However, if you are queezy, into dramas, or your Netflix Que is full of Gossip Girl seasons, don't bother.

"The media is like the weather, only it's man-made weather."

-Mickey

10 minutes after writing this, Moviephone ranked this movie as 10 Most Controversial Movies of All Time