How did movies get Kevo through his teenage years...

Alright, I got my first post up after a long drought. Let's see if I can get back into full form.

I enjoy movies for many reasons. I could write them all down, but who needs another life lesson nowadays, right? How about reminiscing the life lessons we learned from movies during out teenage years, because that way, you will understand why I can never watch “There’s Something About Mary” with my mom again. Yes, Tim, the story must be told. IT MUST!

The best way I figure we can go about this is by stating a teenage issue, and applying a lesson learned from a movie. With pride on the line, we begin…

Puberty – It happens, and it’s inevitable. Everyone grows up and becomes a hairy beast. For some of us, our face explodes like Arnold Schwarzenneger's did in Total Recall. It’s Puberty, prepare yourself. However, I was never scared of growing excess hair, and it was because of this 80’s movie, “Teen Wolf”. Whoever said that being the hairy kid in school was awful; just wasn’t hairy enough. HE WAS THE SHIT! For some odd reason, instead of being hunted down by a mass mob and burned at the stake, he got better at basketball and chicks were clamoring for his nuts. How perfect, I’m short like Michael J. Fox, so this should work out perfectly. I can’t wait for high school Billy…

In fact, I can. What did puberty do for me? I got braces, had a squeaky voice, and like I stated, am still vertically challenged (or short, if you want to be a dick about it). Even though I still don’t have back hair (praise the lord), my white ass doesn’t go inside the 3 point line. At least I have my hairline and am not going bal…….SONOFABITCH!

Masturbation – Well I mentioned that an embarrassing story would be told, and here it is. Have you ever seen “There’s Something About Mary”? Yea. Ok, have you ever seen it with your parents? Maybe. Did you ever watch it with only your mom when you were in 6th grade and had avoided the sex talk up until now? Probably not. Well here is a good life lesson: when you are a teenager, movies start to become more graphic and they are not to be watched with your parents. While watching that movie, I asked my mom “What’s that stuff on his ear?”, and she proceeded to explain to me, vaguely, what older men do to themselves. Still not understanding this concept, I replied “So how many times am I supposed to do that?”. That’s when our relationship changed forever, and she walked out of the room to get my dad. To this day, I can’t look at hair gel the same. Well, what I thought was hair gel at the time…

Drugs – Don’t do drugs, mmkay. It’s as simple as that, and is overly stated during D.A.R.E. I bet that acronym brings back memories… Anyways, we see drugs referenced throughout movies, many now being seen in any movie Seth Rogen has a part in (he’s like the new Cheech and Chong, but with just Chong). There are, however, some of those movies that don’t show the fun side of drugs, and the most terrifying is “Requiem for a Dream”. Have you seen this movie? If you haven’t, then keep it that way. I think it’s sole purpose was to destroy of you wanting to do drugs, have sex, or be on a game show. I was horrified from this movie, and wouldn’t touch headache medicine for months. This taught me a life lesson that is very important; if you do drugs, you will either go to jail, cut your arm off, or become a sex slave. And believe it or not, I actually mean “and/or”, because 2/3 might happen to you. Drugs are bad, mmkay?

Sex – This is the last life lesson you get, because it’s likely the last hump in being a teenager (no pun intended). You need to hit puberty and be able to masturbate before you can have sex, and if you had sex before either of those, then you must have had some craaazzy drugs. Therefore, sex is our last life lesson.

Everyone remembers learning about sex in school, and how babies are made. You also remember seeing being shown the picture of the inside of a woman’s naughty part. It was like a treasure map of what sperm had to follow in order to make it all the way to the finish line. Also, doesn’t it look an awful lot like a bulls head to anyone else? The fallopian tubes looked like horns, and the uterus looks like the head. If you think I’m wrong, pull up that treasure map like view of a uterus, along with a bulls head. Do you see it now?

Anyways, it never made sense to me. What do you mean it has to travel along these bends and might not make it? Then, I saw “Look Who’s Talking”! The opening of that movie finally made me understand the process a baby goes through to get to the egg, and that all but one just won’t quite get there. Regardless, they looked like they were having a blast while doing it (again, no pun intended). Other topics realized in that movie include: how to get free lunches in the city, always be a gentleman to women, and all babies are badass Bruce Willi (that’s the spelling of multiple Bruce Willis’s).

Kevo's Top 10 Movies of 2000-2009

Top 10 Movies from first tenth of the Century…….dun dun duuunnn

Wow, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? It feels weird coming back to my old unemployment job (no, I didn’t get fired, I took maternity leave, and his name is Frederick). As many of you know, I used this website to promote “creative thinking” while I was warming up in the bullpen until I was called up to the big leagues for a job. That call came, and now I can feed Frederick.

I know many of you were hoping for a new movie review. That is currently in the works, so don’t start bitching just yet. I did, however, decide to give you all a little somesin’ somesin’ before someone “leaks” my review. So, what do I bring you….

KEVO’S TOP 10 MOVIES FROM THE FIRST TEN YEARS OF 2000

When you read that, it should be read like a comic book narrator who has a deep voice and something evil is being plotted. Now, I got this idea from a website that did the top 10 movies of the 90’s. Yea, it’s not a clever idea by me, but it is evil that I am jumping them on the next decade. Joblow.com 0 – Kevo 1.

• Just before I get into it, I will preface it by saying a few things. There will be a few Independent films. Indy people say “films”, I’m not sure why, but I think it has to do with them being snobby douchers who wear funny hats that White House interns wear when they blow the president. I started this site to get people out of their shell and see movies they may never have seen.
• I won’t put them in order of hierarchy. There is not point to that. The movies are going to be contested by people, so why contest it even more by saying my shitty picks are put in an even shittier order. Homie don’t play that.
• There will be a wide range of categories. I can’t put a list of just Jerry Bruckheimer movies just because you like watching the guy blow up more shit than Al Qaeda. Different movies with different tastes.
• Lastly, if your favorite movies are either Twilight or Pirates of the Caribbean, re evaluate your life. People in their 20’s shouldn’t be adoring movies with shitless teenage boys and old smelly pirates. That means you’re either a pedophile, or gold digging whore. Plus, ninjas trump both vampires and pirates without them even knowing it, because they’re that stealth.

Without further wait, and more of me rambling on, my best attempt at a top 10

1. SNATCH (2000)– Ooooo boy, this movie makes my pants tighten up. Snatch has an incredible cast that is part of an even better script/plot/twist. I will always watch this movie, and will give a second look to any movies that come out of the UK, because that’s just how good this movie is. It would have been better if Michael Vick made a cameo in the dog fighting scene. Too soon?
2. SPIDER MAN (2002) – Ya, it’s not one of my favorite movies, but it started the comic book craze. There may have been others before it, but this one took the concept and destroyed the box office with it, until Aquaman of course. To the people making a remake of this ALREADY, I wish only the worst during production (like actually being bitten by a spider and finding out that you don’t get super powers, you die).
3. CITY OF GOD (2002) – This is a must see at one point in your life. You will know absolutely no one who is a part of this movie, but at the end, you will celebrate what they have done. Movies that don’t have much budgeting dollars should mimic how this movie came to be #18 on IMDB’s top 250. Also, it made me appreciate movies that are so good, you don’t even care you about subtitles.
4. GLADIATOR (2000) - This movie, along with Saving Private Ryan, were the first few DVD’s I got. They also, to this day, are the best. NOBODY hates Gladiator. Nobody SHOULD hate Gladiator. Perfectly acted (hence the Oscar), scripted, and shot. Strength and Honor.
5. BATMAN BEGINS (2005) – I know many people want to say DARK KNIGHT was way better, which in many cases, I would agree. But, would you even have that movie without this? No, of course not. BB relaunched a dying franchise that needed to take Marvel Comics off their high horse. Speaking of horses, this one didn’t have Maggie Gyllenhaal, which makes it better in that aspect.
6. INGLORIOUS BASTERDS (2009) – Never being much of a Tarantino fan (he’s alright); I definitely enjoyed him more during this movie. It took a tragic history, and turned it into a clever concept. Also, Christopher Waltz plays one of the most intelligent, diabolically, classy evil characters. I won’t say it was Quentin’s best movie, for fear of being murdered by Tarantinhoes (what I call people who live and die by his work), but it is one of them.
7. FINDING NEMO (2003)/WALL-E (2008) – Come oooooonnnn. Your gay side wanted a Pixar movie on this list. I have heard WALL-E is great (still have to see it), so I included it with Finding Nemo. I love that little retarded fish. All other Pixar movies were good but not quite as enjoyable, with exception to Ratatouille. I hope they make a Pixar short before the next movie comes out and have it be that rat looking for cheese to put in his dish, and he gets his head splattered by a trap. I watched it with a girl, and to make it worse, didn’t even get any. To hell with French people.
8. THE DEPARTED (2006) – Easy choice. Great director, cast, and script. Nicholson shines, Decaprio whines, and Marky Mark plays bad cop. Nothing more to be said.
9. THE WRESTLER (2008) – If you have ever owned a Wrestling Buddy (I had the Ultimate Warrior, aahh thank you), then you loved this movie. Not only did it capture the issue surrounding wrestling (addiction to steroids, prescription pain killers, and Speedos), but it added a love interest for the ladies. I’m not sure if women like this movie, but I feel they would. It also rejuvinated the careers of Mickey Rourke and Marisa Tomei (including her boobies). I guarantee you will be putting your brother in a headlock in the scene where he walks through the back entrance of the meat counter like he’s about to enter the ring. BA$NK.
   
   Last but not least, we have to pick a comedy, right? Well, there are quite a few. Will it be American Pie, the “movie of our decade” as it was called? How about Wedding Crashers? Superbad was funny, right? Well, to finish the list strong is…….
   

THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST. No, just kidding. I’m going to hell for that joke.

10. Old School (2003) – If you look at all the great comedies in this decade, they probably involved one of these guys in some fashion. Anchorman, Wedding Crashers, etc. It will go down as one of the best college movies, and they aren’t technically in college. “Actually, funny thing sir, they found a loophole”. Is it weird to anyone else that Ari Gold and his wife are both in this, but not together?

So, there ya have it, my top 10. I know there are some that were left off the list, so I will acknowledge them the best I can: Almost Famous, The Prestige, Superbad, Pirates movies, Lord of the Rings movies, Mystic River, A Beautiful Mind, Kill Bills, Collateral, Requiem for a Dream, etc.