Kevo's Holiday Treat

It wouldn't be right if I didn't put up a holiday themed post. Well, you can thank my friend Ari, who repeatedly reminded me that it is my duty to put up something of that nature. So, I decided on a Christmas theme. Yea, you heard me, CHRISTMAS! I know some of my friends are Jewish, but this is the only December holiday I understand. If you're offended, go throw in an Adam Sandler CD, cause I'm sorry, I don't care.

And Kwanza? What the fuck is that?

Anyways, with much help from my friend Ben, I finally settled on an idea that shouldn't cause too much debate. Let's be honest, if I did a "Top 10 Holiday Movie List", it would be contested until next year. So, I've come to...

5 Common Holiday Movie Cliches

Intrigued? You should be, because it just wouldn't be christmas without...

1) Some Shitty Guests
This cliche usually provides the most laughs you will get out of a holiday movie. My personal favorite shitty guest is an inlaw, and his name is Cousin Eddie. I don't think it's possible to combine as many horrendous qualities in a person, and still wish that he would show up at your house to empty his septic tank into the sewer. Not only do I salute this man, but I salute his hat.

Other guests to include in my shitty holiday are:
Kevin's Uncle Frank in "Home Alone" - Look what you did, you little jerk.
Willie Stokes in "Bad Santa" - If this guy managed to finagle his way into your home on Christmas, he's probably looking for some "damn sandwhiches" and a way to bang your mom.
Santa Claus in "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" - Ok, I never saw this movie, but the title explains it all. Santa's a two timing whore trying to get on all the groupie, gold digging moms out there. Just be careful, that's not reindeer sausage in his pocket.

2) A Life That Sucks (but in actuality it really isn't that bad; it's more like YOU suck)
You know exactly what movies this theme runs in: A Christmas Carol, It's a Wonderful Life, How The Grinch Stole Christmas, and more. So, how about we focus on the first three.

No, Scrooge, you're life doesn't suck, YOU SUCK. Maybe it would be a little better if you stopped picking on little handicapped boys who just want to spread some christmas cheer. O, and give a raise for once in your life. You're so cheap I'm surprised you're not celebrating Chanukah instead.

No, Jimmy Stewart, you're life doesn't suck, YOU SUCK. Well, actually, you're a really nice guy. You saved you're brothers life; you're boss' life; and even promised the moon to a girl, and weren't even mad when she didn't put out. You just didn't have any luck on your side. But you know who else didn't; EVERYONE. What makes you so special you feel the need to go off yourself? It's called a depression, and if you were a little more careful with everyone's money, maybe you wouldn't be in the situation you're in. You know what, you do suck. And so does that asshole Clarence.

No, Mr. Grinch, you're life doesn't suck, YOU SUCK. You're living like a homeless person in a cave just because you hate the holidays? What? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. You need to get off you're ass, get a haircut, and find a job Grinch. No one's giving free handouts with the economy the way it is, and there's no chance you're going to get laid if you don't get rid of that beer belly. If you're going to hate on people, dress up as a pimp and go to a "Playa Hata's Ball"

3) Something Claymation
Any movies involving the North Pole generally come in claymation form. Frosty the snowman movies, rudolph movies, and the beginning of Elf. There is nothing wrong with this, as it seems it's become rather "classic" to enrich your movie this way.

What isn't classical, though, was "A Nightmare Before Christmas". I have not seen that movie in ages, because quite frankly, it scared the shit out of me. Tim Burton is demented, and ruined my Christmas for one year as a child with that movie. Who makes a movie mixing Christmas, Halloween, and kidnapping all in one? Claymation was a happy way to make holiday films, until 1993.

Also, maybe it's just me, but when I see a Frosty the Snowman and Arctic Puffin talking to eachother in a claymation movie; I immediately think they are going to battle to the death because of the many hours I spent playing Clayfighter. Thinking about it, maybe that ruined claymation for me...

4) For everyone 1 good movie, there are 5 crappy ones
The title explains it, but for more clarification, I'll list some of the "gems" I'm talking about:

Santa with Muscles (1996) — An evil millionaire gets amnesia and then believes that he is Santa Claus.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) — Martians kidnap Santa Claus because there is nobody on Mars to give their children presents.
Santa's Slay (2005) — In this horror/comedy movie, it is revealed that Santa Claus is actually a demon who lost a bet with an Angel, but when the bet is off, he returns to his evil ways.
Santa Claus (1959) — Santa battles evil demons in outer space.

So based on these titles, if aliens ever attack, Christmas is off.

5) Tim Allen
This guy was in 4, count em, 4 christmas movies. Granted 3 of them started with "The Santa Claus", but there was no reason why he should have been in anymore than 1. "The Santa Claus" was a fun movie when I was a kid, but I have no intentions on seeing the 2 sequels, or the crapfest holiday movie "Christmas With The Kranks".

How did Tim Allen get the gig as Santa in the first place? It was 1994 and he was in the middle of a very successful television show "Home Improvement", but I don't think any kids were in need of a Binford 6100 chainsaw. However, he is a comedian, so I guess he would be able to spread holiday cheer. And if by holiday cheer you mean coke, then yes, he would be a perfect Santa for all the Christmas Rehab clinics in the land; seeing as he was busted for possession of 1.4 pounds of columbian bam bam in 1978. I guess it's gonna be a white christmas if Tim Allen's coming to town.


Well, there ya have it. Watch out for these Christmas Cliche's when you snuggle up to the fire with family this year.

O, and if you happen to watch one of those crappy holiday movies I listed, PLEASE let me know. I would love to hear how they are.