August 31st Movie of the Week

Wild Wild West

Director: Barry Sonnenfeld
Writers: Jim Thomas, John Thomas, S.S. Wilson (there are more butwho cares, this sucked. However, if you find these guys, punch them in the dick)

Actors:
Will Smith - Cowboy
Kevin Kline - Some special agent Cowboy. A real life Woody.
Kenneth Branagh - Cripple
Salma Hayek - Boobs McGee

Ratings: 4.3/10 on IMDB
21% on Rotten Tomatoes

Yep, in case you haven't caught on yet, this one's going to be a fun review.

Trailer: Wild Wild West

Plot Summary: Here's what an IMDB person put.
Jim West is a guns-a-blazing former Civil War hero. Artemus Gordon is an inventive U.S. Marshal who excels in disguise. When the United States is threatened by psychotic Confederate Arliss Loveless, President Ulysses Grant teams the duo up to bring him to justice. On a hazard-packed train journey from Washington to Utah, West and Gordon must combine their skills to best Loveless and his diabolical machines.

Here's what I put.

Two white guys (one's disguised as a black guy) team up to save the United States from an evil cripple. With one of the dumbest movie concepts around, these two Brokeback Mountain cowboys try to save the U.S., while destroying their acting credibility.

Mine's a little more accurate, don't ya think?

Things I would rather do than watch this movie: Wipe my ass with sand paper. Masturbate with Icy Hot. Be Rex Ryan's computer chair for a day.

Opinion: Now every movie review I have done up to this point I have watched within a week of doing the review. I'll admit that I haven't seen this movie in years, but when my brother's friend Andrew mentioned this shitty movie to review, I couldn't pass it up. It's just that bad.

In case you weren't aware, this movie was based on a '60s television show starring Robert Conrad (anyone?). The show actually won an Emmy. Then Will Smith and Kevin Kline came along to act in the movie version, and this steamy log is the end result. Mr. Conrad was not into the movie from the start, but that's what my next paragraph is for. Horray for remakes!

Ok, so Conrad was approached to fill in a small part in this movie. Think of it as an homage to his old show, like "Hey, come act in this, so when we ruin your legacy, you won't be mad because you were apart of it". Well, after reading the script, he turned it down for because he had better things to do, like not act in this.

He was right with his choice, because when this movie swept the 20th Annual Razzie Awards winning (I guess you could call it that) 5 statuettes including "Worst Picture", good ol' Conrad accepted 3 of the awards to show his despise of it being made. I wonder what he did with them? I heard a ghost story that he put them in the trash, and years later, they were the cause of this big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Wait, what happened to the two he didn't accept?

Mother of God........

What I disliked: Where do I even start? There's just to many things to make fun of, like when you watch the Special Olympics at home. You can laugh all day long and not feel bad for doing it in public. Except you're still going to hell.

Can someone explain to me the futuristic approach they took? What a stupid concept. It's as if the writers took inventions from the future that involve power (electric wheelchair, powered hang glider airplane thing, catapults, etc.), smoked a lot of weed, and thought "hey, if we make them steam powered, then it'll seem like it was all possible. GENIUS!" O, I almost forgot one of the inventions. To top it off, A HUGE FIREBALL SPITTING SPIDER THAT RUNS ON CRANKS AND STEAM POWER. Yea, that shits deeeefinitely possible. The only way I could ever believe that this is even remotely possible is if somehow they incorporated Back To The Future 3 into all of this, and Marty McFly had shown the Cripple how Transformers work.

I also disliked Will Smith, but does that surprise you? I haven't like Big Willy since Fresh Prince of Bel Air, partly because that was the last time he played a black guy. Well he does have a gun and kills a lot of evil white people, so I guess you can consider him black in this movie. Wait, a black guy killing a lot of white people. Did Spike Lee direct this?

O, and he did his typical one liners that are o so amusing. In fact, let's play a game. It's called "Name that Big Willy Movie", and no, it's not a porno game. I give the line, you name the correct shitty Will Smith Character.

Welcome to Earf
You know what the difference is between me and you. I make this look good
That's it, no more Mr. Knife Guy (Ugh, that just makes me wanna punch you)
Yo Uncle Phil!

The more you get right, the more pathetic your life gets. I know, I got them all right. It's sad.

So we covered the plot and Will Smith, which accounts for 90% of the shittyness. Spellcheck just said that word doesn't exist, but this movie is so shitty, it has been created. Send that to Dictionary.com. Now, what is going to account for the final 10%? Could it be Kevin Kline, who hasn't EVER done a movie I liked, besides his role in Orange County, and he only gets props on that because that's a hilarious movie and his face was in it.

Or, could it be the other shitty actor, the Cripple. I could go down that rout of making fun of cripples, but will I? Yes, if you know me, I will. WHEN HAVE YOU EVER BEEN AFRAID OF A CRIPPLE TAKING OVER THE WORLD! Seriously. I'll be afraid of the possessed doll Chucky, whom I could kick across the room, before I ever take a Christopher Reeves seriously. AND HE'S SUPERMAN!

Well, I think we get the point. This movie sucked. Now, I'm sure there are plenty of good things to write about. Right?

Things I liked: Selma Hayek's tits. But they didn't even come out all the way. So it's a halfie on what I liked, kinda like the halfie I got from seeing them bouncing around.

Favorite Scene: The one where they get chased by a magentic disc that is supposed to decapitate them, but it doesn't. So in reality, the scene sucked, because they didn't get hurt, and the movie continued. After writing that, I'm sad again that watched this at one point in my life.

Interesting Facts:

• At an official $150 million (unofficial $180 million) it stands as the most expensive movie produced by Warner Bros. and the most expensive movie released in 1999. HAHAHAHAHA fail.
• The film underwent costly re-shoots in an attempt to inject some humor after it was found that test audiences weren't sure if it was supposed to be a comedy. HAHAHAHAHA fail.
• Will Smith turned down the lead role in The Matrix (1999) to star in this movie, being a fan of the television series. He later said this was the worst decision he made in his career. HAHAHAHAHA fail.

Final Comments: What more can I really say? I hated this movie, hated the actors, and hated what this movie tried to do. I agree 100% with Robert Conrad on not wanting to put this movie to a studio because, after he read the script, he knew it would suck. HOW COME KNOW ONE ELSE SAW THIS COMING! After Big Willy did this movie, he starred in "The Legend of Bagger Vance". Only if he had a good Caddy to tell him to take mulligan on this movie.

1/5 Kevo's - Did you expect anything else. Just like it did in the past, this movie takes the cake for worst movie ever, on this website that is.

Time to end it on a quote, right? Here it is...

"I'd rather cut my dick off than see this movie again"

-Kevo