Human Centipede 2 Banned in UK

I know, you're just as distraught as I am over the fact that you didn't see the first one. On top of that, you didn't even know they made a second one and now you have to put this on top of your Netflix Que ahead of more worthy movies like Mars Attacks, Final Destination 3 (5?, 6?, 29?), and the first season of Walker Texas Ranger just to catch up and stay relevant in society. Hey, it's either Chuck Norris or some Ass-To-Mouth (ATM) action, and we all know ATM is the only thing that defeated Chuck Norris, because it left him with a bad case of the pink eye.

But to make matters worse, you hear this: The UK has completely banned Human Centipede 2 from it's country. In case you can't translate British, that means no movie theaters or DVDs will have Human Centipede 2 in stock. To say the least, the director wasn't too happy with this decision.

“Thank you BBFC for putting spoilers of my movie on your website and thank you for banning my film in this exceptional way. Apparently I made an horrific horror-film, but shouldn't a good horror film be horrific? My dear people it is a f****cking MOVIE. It is all fictional. Not real. It is all make-belief. It is art. Give people their own choice to watch it or not. If people can't handle or like my movies they just don't watch them. If people like my movies they have to be able to see it any time, anywhere also in the UK.”
- Director Tom Six

First thing that stands out has nothing to do with what he said. In fact, it was his last name. Six? Really, your last name is a number? Who named you, George Kostanza? Did you forget to change it when you got out of directing porn?

I am absolutely furious with this decision, aren't you!?! He's right, if people like his movies, then they should be able to go to their local Wal-Mart and pick them out of the $3 bin. You know, the bin located in the aisle that has the giant cage of assorted balls you have to reverse throw out of the cage in order to get the one that has the bright blue star on it. You deserve that opportunity Mr. Six!

A good horror film SHOULD be horrific......like extremely horrific......like so horrific that you can't even play the Centiped Arcade anymore. Especially not the free play one at the dentists office.....
Gosh darnit, it IS ART! At least the first one was. Remember, it was nominated for 12 Oscars, 7 Golden Globes, 2 Tonys, and somehow even 1 Nickelodeon award. O, it wasn't? Well Daniel Tosh did a 20 minute segment on it, and he only shows videos that are culturally relevant and artsy. O, he doesn't?

Where do they get off ruining the ending! The title gives nothing away, and leaves everything up to the imagination. A Human Centipede? What on Earth could that possibly be? I mean, it could be people lined up like a centipede, with their mouths connected to the crawling person in front of them, but come on! Who woud make a movie about that? That would be ridiculous.

Oh........

Well, fi it doesn't pan out, you can always use that name to get a part as a Bond Villain.

In the next chapter of Bond, 007 battles the mastermind Mr. Six, a diabolical criminal who is set on world domination, or some may say dominatrix. Armed with only his whit and an arsenal of weapons, 007 must figure out how to stop this villain from turning the entire world's population into a Human Centipede of pure energy.....

Or maybe not.

Why X3 Never Should Have Been

If you new me as a kid, you knew three things

1. I got all of my sports knowledge from my older brother Tim, because while I hated getting up for school as an 9 year old, he was watching/reading anything involving ESPN before the sun rose. He hung from Rich Eisen's nuts like Tarzan from a vine.


2. I also hated Tim.


3. I loved TMNT, WWF (wrestling, not that hippie animal foundation), and X-Men cartoons. I wasn't really into the comics, but if you weren't as distraught as I was that Beast was taken out of the cartoon within the first few episodes, then don't even continue reading this, it likely doesn't concern you.

So, as stated from the title, this concerns X-Men.

There was a dark period in my life when X-Men stopped playing on Saturday mornings. This was also a time before the internet children, were you had to find a friend who had recorded episodes on a VHS tape (that's this rectangular box filled with a long black strip thats fun to pull out, but you never should do). I mean yea, I had the usual "Doug", "Wild and Crazy Kids", and of course "Are You Afraid Of The Dark" to get through my weekends; but it never filled that action packed hole (that's what she said. I almost didn't go there, but I did because I'm not censored). I could rip off my pre cut white t-shirt, snap into a slim jim, and do a flying elbow drop off the couch (RIP Randy Savage); but when one of us got hurt, it meant I'd have to go to my room for the rest of the day. My thirst for childhood action came with consequences, and a TV show could have helped save me from hours, no days, of time spent in my room. I continued to live the ass kicking, stitches, and broken limb filled life I was destined; until the year 2000.

X-Men was released in a live action format. "YEEEEESSSSS. OOOO MMMMM GGGGGG". I'll never forget going to the theaters with my roomate (Mom) and seeing it. There was nothing better than sitting infront of a giant screen, with a large overpriced popcorn, and a drink cup the size of my leg filled with sugar flavored crack. Seeing all of my favorite mutants portrayed by the great director Bryan Singer was like christmas, in which each one that came out was a new present you weren't sure you were going to get.

Better yet, 3 years later, he does it again and makes a perfect follow up. More mutants, continuing plot, incredible conclusion. Then X-Men 3 happened....

Wow. What a pile that was. If you haven't seen these movies, then think of it like this: You have a child and he's great. Then he has a child (grandkid) and he's awesome but the excitement factor has gone down. Then your grandchild has a kid, but that kid is an abomination. He's constantly dissapointing you, he's completely different then what you were expecting, and he's having kids with different people that turn out even more dissapointing.

I was told by a friend I worked with at the time to not go see the movie because it will disappoint me. I wondered how, the franchise I love, could end so terribly? Isn't that what we always think? O how, o how, could something I know is so great have THAT kind of trilogy? X-Men will obviously follow some form of comic strip like the previous two, right? No, no it won't friends. It decided to (spoiler alert) kill off almost all of the great characters that made X-Men great! Who decided this was a great idea, I still don't know, but I can tell you why this didn't work after much thought. It might even answer the age old question of "Why do superhero sequels fail".

1. They are comic books! If you are going to take a subject from a previous format (book, movie remake, magazine, etc.), make sure you don't divert from the story! You think you're studio is great enough to make one movie better than 50 years of written story, then you are sadly mistaken.


2. If you get a new director, have the previous one involved in some way or shape. A new X-Men movie is coming out and it's getting great reviews (X-Men First Class) because Bryan Singer is at least a producer.


3. Obviously Hugh Jackman was the star of the first two, but is he the only one needed to have the other movies succeed? He's not everyones favorite X-Men character. Remember, it's not about who plays the character, it's about what characters are involved, which X3 killed off most.

Want proof? Relaunching the Batman series followed all three of my steps. It stayed close to the comic books, stuck with the same director, and didn't kill off of any of the main characters besides villains in order to follow the comic of different villains. What's a higher rated film series? I'll let you figure that one out. This isn't sports! It's not like you're getting really close to the playoffs and need to tweak a few things within management or the team to win the big one. Keep your writers, characters, and directors on board in order to build onto one another so you stay with a winning formula.

-The Dude Abides

Kevo's Ultimate Fictional Bands

Alright you crazy cats, we got some sweet grooves coming your way. So lay back, open your ears, and be ready for the sweet sounds of…..

Ok, I’m no Kasey Casem (when is he going to do voice over work for a Planet Earth type show btw). I am however a huge fan of movies with good plots, sweet music, and a face melting fictional band.

In today’s post, we focus on the issue of great fictional movie bands. There are a lot out there, and I mean too many that deserve the spotlight, but a light can only cast on so many. Will yours shine in the limelight? Let’s take a look…

The Oneders (That Thing You Do)

Ok, keep your pants on girls. You knew they were going to be on this list. With a challenging name, a band struggling with an identity crisis, and the similarity to a certain band named after a certain insect; it’s a given you’d see them. What really sold them to me; Tom Hanks is their manager. If you had to pick one actor to be an actual band manager, wouldn’t he be your pick too? Props to Nat for this extra nugget I almost left out.

Why I almost left them off? THEY HAD ONE SONG! I get it, I’m doing that thing I do, or she does, or someone does. This is your all time biggest one hit wonder band EVER, because not only did they have a one hit wonder, their name is the ONEders. If you love this band, then I accuse you of loving other one hit wonders, like Los Del Rio “The Macarena”. Next time I hear that song, I will think about how I’m going to tap dance on your balls.

Spinal Tap (This Is Spinal Tap)

I refuse to have a list of fictional bands, and Spinal Tap doesn’t get on it. They struggle throughout the whole movie, perform at the most ridiculous venues, and get caught with aluminum foil wrapped cucumbers in their pants while going through airport security. Along with their follies, they provide the true meaning of rock and roll; play it loud.

11 will, and always will, be louder than 10.

Figrin Dan and the Modal Nodes (?)

Ok, dig deep into your inner geek. Who is this I’m talking about? I’ll give you a hint: They played in a bar in a galaxy far, far away...

The Star Wars Band! In particular, they play at the Mos Eisley Cantina bar. Yea, I didn’t realize that they had a name either, but apparently they do. Here’s a brief description of them from the Star Wars Wikipedia site:

"Fiery" Figrin D'an (alias Barbarine) was the Bith leader of the band the Modal Nodes. His older brother was Barquin D'an. Specializing in Jizz music, Figrin played a reed instrument known as a Kloo horn, as well as a percussion instrument called a Gasan string drum.

Excuse me, did that just say they play JIZZ music? I’m sorry, but that is one of the worst alterations you could make to the word “Jazz” ever written. Now, to make fun of you Mr. Lucas; put 20 seconds on the clock, I'm going to Tosh.O you right now.

I bet their drummer gives out the best kind of rim shots.
I wonder where their sticking their instruments during Jizz music band camp.
Jenna Jameson is the best Jizz musician I’ve ever seen.
Black guys have the biggest Jizz instruments.

Ok, I’m done. You know the band, and you wish they played at your Sweet 16.

Wait, one more: After they finish playing, you have to clean the stage with tissues.

The Lone Rangers (Airheads)

Break into a record studio: Check
Hold a radio stage hostage with water guns: Check
Sign a record contract: Check
Steve Buscemi on Bass: Niiiiiiice

I love the song that plays in this movie. It’s actually a real song by Reagan Youth called “Degenerated”, but the movie version is much better. No band in any movie has a more rock and roll type approach to getting their music played than The Lone Rangers, so that keeps them on my list. Also, no one wiped their ass with a record contract before. ROCK AND ROOOLLLLLL!

Wyld Stallyns (Bill and Ted Movies)

The Wyld Stallyns stated that they won’t get any better unless they get Eddie Van Halen to be in their band. That’s a lofty goal to achieve. I mean, it’s Eddie. In the 80s, there were more notebooks with his name on them than there were Jersey trash Madonna look a likes.

But when Eddie says in an interview that if Wyld Stallyns weren’t a fictional band he would join them; then you know you’ve fictionally made it. They would be the greatest fictional rock group around, banging the hottest fictional women, and doing fictional cocaine on their private fictional jet.

Sadly, they are not. At least they got the Grim Reaper, who plays a meeeeaaan stand up bass.

Stillwater (Almost Famous)

There has never been a band that I felt instantly disappointed with when I heard them play in a movie. Not because they suck, but because they're not real. This band kicks so much ass the world has to sit on a donut pillow after hearing them.

Take the dynamic of Led Zeppelin, and add southern rock. Ya, I need to change my pants now too.

I’m also insanely jealous that not only was Peter Frampton the technical advisor on this movie, but he trained Billy Crudup how to play guitar. Hey Billy, next time you decide to jump off a house, land on the concrete.

Honorable Mention

Blues Brothers Band - No, because Jim Belushi thinks he can step in for his brother. Accroding to Kevo, you suck
The Pinheads - Marty McFly's band, but we didn't hear much from them in the movie.
Marvin Berry and The Starlights - Marty McFly's band during the dance. Not in consideration, because they're the originators of music stealing.
"Chuck. Chuck. It's Marvin - your cousin, Marvin BERRY. You know that new sound you're looking for? Well, too bad, cause we just stole yo shit!"
Cassandra and Cruical Taunt - Hot babe from Waynes World. In consideration, but it was Wayne who truely made it happen, then Christopher Walken.
Something About Mary Band - Don't know the name of them, but they seemed to annoy everyone during the movie. I don't promote a sucky show.
Muppet Band - If I had to put together a super group of the best fictional band members from all movies, Animal would be my drummer. Other muppets would be left behind.