Human Centipede 2 Banned in UK

I know, you're just as distraught as I am over the fact that you didn't see the first one. On top of that, you didn't even know they made a second one and now you have to put this on top of your Netflix Que ahead of more worthy movies like Mars Attacks, Final Destination 3 (5?, 6?, 29?), and the first season of Walker Texas Ranger just to catch up and stay relevant in society. Hey, it's either Chuck Norris or some Ass-To-Mouth (ATM) action, and we all know ATM is the only thing that defeated Chuck Norris, because it left him with a bad case of the pink eye.

But to make matters worse, you hear this: The UK has completely banned Human Centipede 2 from it's country. In case you can't translate British, that means no movie theaters or DVDs will have Human Centipede 2 in stock. To say the least, the director wasn't too happy with this decision.

“Thank you BBFC for putting spoilers of my movie on your website and thank you for banning my film in this exceptional way. Apparently I made an horrific horror-film, but shouldn't a good horror film be horrific? My dear people it is a f****cking MOVIE. It is all fictional. Not real. It is all make-belief. It is art. Give people their own choice to watch it or not. If people can't handle or like my movies they just don't watch them. If people like my movies they have to be able to see it any time, anywhere also in the UK.”
- Director Tom Six

First thing that stands out has nothing to do with what he said. In fact, it was his last name. Six? Really, your last name is a number? Who named you, George Kostanza? Did you forget to change it when you got out of directing porn?

I am absolutely furious with this decision, aren't you!?! He's right, if people like his movies, then they should be able to go to their local Wal-Mart and pick them out of the $3 bin. You know, the bin located in the aisle that has the giant cage of assorted balls you have to reverse throw out of the cage in order to get the one that has the bright blue star on it. You deserve that opportunity Mr. Six!

A good horror film SHOULD be horrific......like extremely horrific......like so horrific that you can't even play the Centiped Arcade anymore. Especially not the free play one at the dentists office.....
Gosh darnit, it IS ART! At least the first one was. Remember, it was nominated for 12 Oscars, 7 Golden Globes, 2 Tonys, and somehow even 1 Nickelodeon award. O, it wasn't? Well Daniel Tosh did a 20 minute segment on it, and he only shows videos that are culturally relevant and artsy. O, he doesn't?

Where do they get off ruining the ending! The title gives nothing away, and leaves everything up to the imagination. A Human Centipede? What on Earth could that possibly be? I mean, it could be people lined up like a centipede, with their mouths connected to the crawling person in front of them, but come on! Who woud make a movie about that? That would be ridiculous.

Oh........

Well, fi it doesn't pan out, you can always use that name to get a part as a Bond Villain.

In the next chapter of Bond, 007 battles the mastermind Mr. Six, a diabolical criminal who is set on world domination, or some may say dominatrix. Armed with only his whit and an arsenal of weapons, 007 must figure out how to stop this villain from turning the entire world's population into a Human Centipede of pure energy.....

Or maybe not.

Why X3 Never Should Have Been

If you new me as a kid, you knew three things

1. I got all of my sports knowledge from my older brother Tim, because while I hated getting up for school as an 9 year old, he was watching/reading anything involving ESPN before the sun rose. He hung from Rich Eisen's nuts like Tarzan from a vine.


2. I also hated Tim.


3. I loved TMNT, WWF (wrestling, not that hippie animal foundation), and X-Men cartoons. I wasn't really into the comics, but if you weren't as distraught as I was that Beast was taken out of the cartoon within the first few episodes, then don't even continue reading this, it likely doesn't concern you.

So, as stated from the title, this concerns X-Men.

There was a dark period in my life when X-Men stopped playing on Saturday mornings. This was also a time before the internet children, were you had to find a friend who had recorded episodes on a VHS tape (that's this rectangular box filled with a long black strip thats fun to pull out, but you never should do). I mean yea, I had the usual "Doug", "Wild and Crazy Kids", and of course "Are You Afraid Of The Dark" to get through my weekends; but it never filled that action packed hole (that's what she said. I almost didn't go there, but I did because I'm not censored). I could rip off my pre cut white t-shirt, snap into a slim jim, and do a flying elbow drop off the couch (RIP Randy Savage); but when one of us got hurt, it meant I'd have to go to my room for the rest of the day. My thirst for childhood action came with consequences, and a TV show could have helped save me from hours, no days, of time spent in my room. I continued to live the ass kicking, stitches, and broken limb filled life I was destined; until the year 2000.

X-Men was released in a live action format. "YEEEEESSSSS. OOOO MMMMM GGGGGG". I'll never forget going to the theaters with my roomate (Mom) and seeing it. There was nothing better than sitting infront of a giant screen, with a large overpriced popcorn, and a drink cup the size of my leg filled with sugar flavored crack. Seeing all of my favorite mutants portrayed by the great director Bryan Singer was like christmas, in which each one that came out was a new present you weren't sure you were going to get.

Better yet, 3 years later, he does it again and makes a perfect follow up. More mutants, continuing plot, incredible conclusion. Then X-Men 3 happened....

Wow. What a pile that was. If you haven't seen these movies, then think of it like this: You have a child and he's great. Then he has a child (grandkid) and he's awesome but the excitement factor has gone down. Then your grandchild has a kid, but that kid is an abomination. He's constantly dissapointing you, he's completely different then what you were expecting, and he's having kids with different people that turn out even more dissapointing.

I was told by a friend I worked with at the time to not go see the movie because it will disappoint me. I wondered how, the franchise I love, could end so terribly? Isn't that what we always think? O how, o how, could something I know is so great have THAT kind of trilogy? X-Men will obviously follow some form of comic strip like the previous two, right? No, no it won't friends. It decided to (spoiler alert) kill off almost all of the great characters that made X-Men great! Who decided this was a great idea, I still don't know, but I can tell you why this didn't work after much thought. It might even answer the age old question of "Why do superhero sequels fail".

1. They are comic books! If you are going to take a subject from a previous format (book, movie remake, magazine, etc.), make sure you don't divert from the story! You think you're studio is great enough to make one movie better than 50 years of written story, then you are sadly mistaken.


2. If you get a new director, have the previous one involved in some way or shape. A new X-Men movie is coming out and it's getting great reviews (X-Men First Class) because Bryan Singer is at least a producer.


3. Obviously Hugh Jackman was the star of the first two, but is he the only one needed to have the other movies succeed? He's not everyones favorite X-Men character. Remember, it's not about who plays the character, it's about what characters are involved, which X3 killed off most.

Want proof? Relaunching the Batman series followed all three of my steps. It stayed close to the comic books, stuck with the same director, and didn't kill off of any of the main characters besides villains in order to follow the comic of different villains. What's a higher rated film series? I'll let you figure that one out. This isn't sports! It's not like you're getting really close to the playoffs and need to tweak a few things within management or the team to win the big one. Keep your writers, characters, and directors on board in order to build onto one another so you stay with a winning formula.

-The Dude Abides

Kevo's Ultimate Fictional Bands

Alright you crazy cats, we got some sweet grooves coming your way. So lay back, open your ears, and be ready for the sweet sounds of…..

Ok, I’m no Kasey Casem (when is he going to do voice over work for a Planet Earth type show btw). I am however a huge fan of movies with good plots, sweet music, and a face melting fictional band.

In today’s post, we focus on the issue of great fictional movie bands. There are a lot out there, and I mean too many that deserve the spotlight, but a light can only cast on so many. Will yours shine in the limelight? Let’s take a look…

The Oneders (That Thing You Do)

Ok, keep your pants on girls. You knew they were going to be on this list. With a challenging name, a band struggling with an identity crisis, and the similarity to a certain band named after a certain insect; it’s a given you’d see them. What really sold them to me; Tom Hanks is their manager. If you had to pick one actor to be an actual band manager, wouldn’t he be your pick too? Props to Nat for this extra nugget I almost left out.

Why I almost left them off? THEY HAD ONE SONG! I get it, I’m doing that thing I do, or she does, or someone does. This is your all time biggest one hit wonder band EVER, because not only did they have a one hit wonder, their name is the ONEders. If you love this band, then I accuse you of loving other one hit wonders, like Los Del Rio “The Macarena”. Next time I hear that song, I will think about how I’m going to tap dance on your balls.

Spinal Tap (This Is Spinal Tap)

I refuse to have a list of fictional bands, and Spinal Tap doesn’t get on it. They struggle throughout the whole movie, perform at the most ridiculous venues, and get caught with aluminum foil wrapped cucumbers in their pants while going through airport security. Along with their follies, they provide the true meaning of rock and roll; play it loud.

11 will, and always will, be louder than 10.

Figrin Dan and the Modal Nodes (?)

Ok, dig deep into your inner geek. Who is this I’m talking about? I’ll give you a hint: They played in a bar in a galaxy far, far away...

The Star Wars Band! In particular, they play at the Mos Eisley Cantina bar. Yea, I didn’t realize that they had a name either, but apparently they do. Here’s a brief description of them from the Star Wars Wikipedia site:

"Fiery" Figrin D'an (alias Barbarine) was the Bith leader of the band the Modal Nodes. His older brother was Barquin D'an. Specializing in Jizz music, Figrin played a reed instrument known as a Kloo horn, as well as a percussion instrument called a Gasan string drum.

Excuse me, did that just say they play JIZZ music? I’m sorry, but that is one of the worst alterations you could make to the word “Jazz” ever written. Now, to make fun of you Mr. Lucas; put 20 seconds on the clock, I'm going to Tosh.O you right now.

I bet their drummer gives out the best kind of rim shots.
I wonder where their sticking their instruments during Jizz music band camp.
Jenna Jameson is the best Jizz musician I’ve ever seen.
Black guys have the biggest Jizz instruments.

Ok, I’m done. You know the band, and you wish they played at your Sweet 16.

Wait, one more: After they finish playing, you have to clean the stage with tissues.

The Lone Rangers (Airheads)

Break into a record studio: Check
Hold a radio stage hostage with water guns: Check
Sign a record contract: Check
Steve Buscemi on Bass: Niiiiiiice

I love the song that plays in this movie. It’s actually a real song by Reagan Youth called “Degenerated”, but the movie version is much better. No band in any movie has a more rock and roll type approach to getting their music played than The Lone Rangers, so that keeps them on my list. Also, no one wiped their ass with a record contract before. ROCK AND ROOOLLLLLL!

Wyld Stallyns (Bill and Ted Movies)

The Wyld Stallyns stated that they won’t get any better unless they get Eddie Van Halen to be in their band. That’s a lofty goal to achieve. I mean, it’s Eddie. In the 80s, there were more notebooks with his name on them than there were Jersey trash Madonna look a likes.

But when Eddie says in an interview that if Wyld Stallyns weren’t a fictional band he would join them; then you know you’ve fictionally made it. They would be the greatest fictional rock group around, banging the hottest fictional women, and doing fictional cocaine on their private fictional jet.

Sadly, they are not. At least they got the Grim Reaper, who plays a meeeeaaan stand up bass.

Stillwater (Almost Famous)

There has never been a band that I felt instantly disappointed with when I heard them play in a movie. Not because they suck, but because they're not real. This band kicks so much ass the world has to sit on a donut pillow after hearing them.

Take the dynamic of Led Zeppelin, and add southern rock. Ya, I need to change my pants now too.

I’m also insanely jealous that not only was Peter Frampton the technical advisor on this movie, but he trained Billy Crudup how to play guitar. Hey Billy, next time you decide to jump off a house, land on the concrete.

Honorable Mention

Blues Brothers Band - No, because Jim Belushi thinks he can step in for his brother. Accroding to Kevo, you suck
The Pinheads - Marty McFly's band, but we didn't hear much from them in the movie.
Marvin Berry and The Starlights - Marty McFly's band during the dance. Not in consideration, because they're the originators of music stealing.
"Chuck. Chuck. It's Marvin - your cousin, Marvin BERRY. You know that new sound you're looking for? Well, too bad, cause we just stole yo shit!"
Cassandra and Cruical Taunt - Hot babe from Waynes World. In consideration, but it was Wayne who truely made it happen, then Christopher Walken.
Something About Mary Band - Don't know the name of them, but they seemed to annoy everyone during the movie. I don't promote a sucky show.
Muppet Band - If I had to put together a super group of the best fictional band members from all movies, Animal would be my drummer. Other muppets would be left behind.

50 Movies in 1 Picture

I know some of you have seen this done before, whether it be the Rolling Stone picture or otherwise. This one, however, has 50 different movie titles all built into one picture.

Can you find them all?

Kevo's Holiday Treat

It wouldn't be right if I didn't put up a holiday themed post. Well, you can thank my friend Ari, who repeatedly reminded me that it is my duty to put up something of that nature. So, I decided on a Christmas theme. Yea, you heard me, CHRISTMAS! I know some of my friends are Jewish, but this is the only December holiday I understand. If you're offended, go throw in an Adam Sandler CD, cause I'm sorry, I don't care.

And Kwanza? What the fuck is that?

Anyways, with much help from my friend Ben, I finally settled on an idea that shouldn't cause too much debate. Let's be honest, if I did a "Top 10 Holiday Movie List", it would be contested until next year. So, I've come to...

5 Common Holiday Movie Cliches

Intrigued? You should be, because it just wouldn't be christmas without...

1) Some Shitty Guests
This cliche usually provides the most laughs you will get out of a holiday movie. My personal favorite shitty guest is an inlaw, and his name is Cousin Eddie. I don't think it's possible to combine as many horrendous qualities in a person, and still wish that he would show up at your house to empty his septic tank into the sewer. Not only do I salute this man, but I salute his hat.

Other guests to include in my shitty holiday are:
Kevin's Uncle Frank in "Home Alone" - Look what you did, you little jerk.
Willie Stokes in "Bad Santa" - If this guy managed to finagle his way into your home on Christmas, he's probably looking for some "damn sandwhiches" and a way to bang your mom.
Santa Claus in "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" - Ok, I never saw this movie, but the title explains it all. Santa's a two timing whore trying to get on all the groupie, gold digging moms out there. Just be careful, that's not reindeer sausage in his pocket.

2) A Life That Sucks (but in actuality it really isn't that bad; it's more like YOU suck)
You know exactly what movies this theme runs in: A Christmas Carol, It's a Wonderful Life, How The Grinch Stole Christmas, and more. So, how about we focus on the first three.

No, Scrooge, you're life doesn't suck, YOU SUCK. Maybe it would be a little better if you stopped picking on little handicapped boys who just want to spread some christmas cheer. O, and give a raise for once in your life. You're so cheap I'm surprised you're not celebrating Chanukah instead.

No, Jimmy Stewart, you're life doesn't suck, YOU SUCK. Well, actually, you're a really nice guy. You saved you're brothers life; you're boss' life; and even promised the moon to a girl, and weren't even mad when she didn't put out. You just didn't have any luck on your side. But you know who else didn't; EVERYONE. What makes you so special you feel the need to go off yourself? It's called a depression, and if you were a little more careful with everyone's money, maybe you wouldn't be in the situation you're in. You know what, you do suck. And so does that asshole Clarence.

No, Mr. Grinch, you're life doesn't suck, YOU SUCK. You're living like a homeless person in a cave just because you hate the holidays? What? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. You need to get off you're ass, get a haircut, and find a job Grinch. No one's giving free handouts with the economy the way it is, and there's no chance you're going to get laid if you don't get rid of that beer belly. If you're going to hate on people, dress up as a pimp and go to a "Playa Hata's Ball"

3) Something Claymation
Any movies involving the North Pole generally come in claymation form. Frosty the snowman movies, rudolph movies, and the beginning of Elf. There is nothing wrong with this, as it seems it's become rather "classic" to enrich your movie this way.

What isn't classical, though, was "A Nightmare Before Christmas". I have not seen that movie in ages, because quite frankly, it scared the shit out of me. Tim Burton is demented, and ruined my Christmas for one year as a child with that movie. Who makes a movie mixing Christmas, Halloween, and kidnapping all in one? Claymation was a happy way to make holiday films, until 1993.

Also, maybe it's just me, but when I see a Frosty the Snowman and Arctic Puffin talking to eachother in a claymation movie; I immediately think they are going to battle to the death because of the many hours I spent playing Clayfighter. Thinking about it, maybe that ruined claymation for me...

4) For everyone 1 good movie, there are 5 crappy ones
The title explains it, but for more clarification, I'll list some of the "gems" I'm talking about:

Santa with Muscles (1996) — An evil millionaire gets amnesia and then believes that he is Santa Claus.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) — Martians kidnap Santa Claus because there is nobody on Mars to give their children presents.
Santa's Slay (2005) — In this horror/comedy movie, it is revealed that Santa Claus is actually a demon who lost a bet with an Angel, but when the bet is off, he returns to his evil ways.
Santa Claus (1959) — Santa battles evil demons in outer space.

So based on these titles, if aliens ever attack, Christmas is off.

5) Tim Allen
This guy was in 4, count em, 4 christmas movies. Granted 3 of them started with "The Santa Claus", but there was no reason why he should have been in anymore than 1. "The Santa Claus" was a fun movie when I was a kid, but I have no intentions on seeing the 2 sequels, or the crapfest holiday movie "Christmas With The Kranks".

How did Tim Allen get the gig as Santa in the first place? It was 1994 and he was in the middle of a very successful television show "Home Improvement", but I don't think any kids were in need of a Binford 6100 chainsaw. However, he is a comedian, so I guess he would be able to spread holiday cheer. And if by holiday cheer you mean coke, then yes, he would be a perfect Santa for all the Christmas Rehab clinics in the land; seeing as he was busted for possession of 1.4 pounds of columbian bam bam in 1978. I guess it's gonna be a white christmas if Tim Allen's coming to town.


Well, there ya have it. Watch out for these Christmas Cliche's when you snuggle up to the fire with family this year.

O, and if you happen to watch one of those crappy holiday movies I listed, PLEASE let me know. I would love to hear how they are.

December 7th Movie of the Week

Natural Born Killers

Director: Oliver Stone
Writers: Quentin Tarantino (story), David Veloz, Richard Rutowski, Oliver Stone

Actors:
Woody Harrelson - Mickey Knox
Juliette Lewis - Mallory Knox
Tom Sizemore - Det. Jack Scagnetti
Rodney Dangerfield - Mallory's Dad
Robert Downey Jr. - Wayne Gale
Tommy Lee Jones - Warden Dwight McClusky

Ratings: 7.1/10 on IMDB
52% on Rotten Tomatoes

It's been a while since I wrote a movie review (for anyone following, Wild Wild Gayfest was the last one I did in August). Let's see if I can remember how to do this...

Trailer: Natural Born Killers

Plot Summary: Two lovers embark on a killing spree that spans the country and leaves dozens dead in it's wake. Adorned by fans, and followed by the media, these "Bonnie and Clyde" type murderers are on the run from famed detective Jack Scagnetti, who's looking to add to his elaborate career by making an example of them. Directed by Oliver Stone, this socially satirical movie follows right in his footsteps by taking a controversial subject head on. Will your perceptions change about the media, or will you too fall in love with this psycotic duo?

My friends call me the shittier, cheaper version of Roger Ebert.

What I wish was told to me before I watched this movie: Hey Kevo, have you ever gone into a movie expecting one thing, and getting way more then you asked for? Well, expect that to happen here.

Opinion: Woah........ I don't really know what to say after I watched this. There are a couple movies that leave you speechless after you watch them (Schindler's List, American History X, Debbie Does Dallas), and this was one of them. It's been roughly two weeks since I finished this up, so I've been able to work through what I saw.

First of all, if you've seen any Oliver Stone movie, then expect to be offended if it's you he is making fun of. In this case, if you love reality shows title "blah blah Housewives", "blah blah of Love (1,2,3...10,11,12)", or anything involving some criminal, then you are the unfortunate subject this movie aims at. It's a satire on the idea that the media will cover anything that gets them ratings, and in turn Americans will glamorize it. If you think that is absurd, then think about the news and what it turns into.

Crash the White House party, be on a show called "Real Housewives of DC"
Be a complete bitch to your husband you had 8 kids with, hello "Jon and Bitch Plus 8"
Pretend your kid went in a balloon and is about to become the first accidental human astronaut, "Space Boy"

Well, the last one never got a show, but he stated that was his whole intention behind the stunt. 2/3 of those are criminal offenses, and the one that's not should be, because being a bitch who whores her children out to the media deserves jail time. I bet at least 2 of those little bastards end up with teenage addiction to drugs or alcohol, any takers?

It's very interesting that this movie came out in 1994 because the concept of media overkill doesn't seem to be that bad compared to now. Yea, we had our fair share of reality television like Real World, but it wasn't even close to the crap that is followed now. Natural Born Killers seems like it came out before it's time, doesn't it? I know many of you probably haven't watched the movie, but if you think about the concept, doesn't it seem relatable to todays television?

Media is media. You take it with a grain of salt, and you chose your medium; whether it be internet, television, radio, or Kevo's Movie Blog (clearly unbiased, whitty, and clever). This movie hits home in a very odd sort of way that leaves you a little bit freaked out. And with that, is our que to the next segment...

What I disliked: Besides the fact that I was NOT ready for this movie at all, I didn't like how long it took to really get into. If you choose to see this movie, you will probably enjoy it. However, it takes a good amount of time to really understand where it's actually going after a while. Besides two people on a killing spree, the plot and message don't really come around until roughly 30 minutes. Stick with it, though, because it is very interesting.

Seeing as this movie was about the media, Oliver Stone used 18 different film formats. What this translates too is a very artsy, colorful, and wild film throughout. Plenty of black and white, extra lighting, and green screen was too much for me at times. I guess I don't see the necessity, but hey, I'm just a douchey reviewer who lives in his parents basement. The most artistic thing I ever made was an A-Z book about animals in the rainforest, and I'm pretty sure Mom did most of the work.

What I liked: The cast...

Woody Harrelson might have played the coolest role I have yet to see from him, besides White Men Can't Jump. I mean, you can't beat that role, and you can't beat him in basketball in that role. Unless you hustle him, of course.

Juliette Lewis would be the LAST person you'd expect for her part. I've seen her largely in comedies, and once as a retard (I don't know what her handicap was, so it's not polite to assume and offend people who have that handicap, so I'll generalize there). You'll be shocked at first when you see her.

Robert Downey Jr./Tom Sizemore - If you want to konw what Tom Sizemore would be like as a cop, this is exactly what I imagined. What would RDJ look like as a journalist? Well not this, but I threw him in there with TS for one reason. Can you guess it?

Did you say drugs? I think you said drugs. You said drugs, didn't you? Yeeeaaa, you did.

What were the early 90's like for these actors? I think I know, but I'm sure as hell they don't know, probably because they had more coke and drugs in their body than, well, THESE TWO IN THE 90S! I wonder what the wrap up party was like? I imagine it looked a lot like the last scene in scarface, except less guns, and more headfirst dives into piles of coke. O, and hookers, lots and lots of hookers.

As I've stated thoroughly, I enjoyed the concept because I think it is very relatable to how people get famous now. It's a shame to see how we glamourize people for doing wrong, acting wrong, or saying the wrong things. I don't want my kids growing up looking at a T.V. lineup full of shows featuring people who never did anything good to deserve it in the first place. Then again, Creed from The Office used to be an acid tripping musician, so you can't get rid of all of them.

Favorite Scene: There weren't any great scenes in this movie, so its hard to narrow just one of them down. Doing my best to not ruin the movie (hopefully I haven't done that so far), Woody Harrelson being interviewed. That's as far as I feel I can go.

Interesting Facts: Definitely one of the most interesting movie facts sections I have reviewed so far:

• The interview between Wayne Gale and Mickey was based upon Geraldo Rivera's interviews with Charles Manson and the infamous Mike Wallace interview with Manuel Noriega.
• Coca-Cola approved the use of the Polar Bear ads for its product in the movie without having a full idea of what the movie was about; when the Board of Directors saw the finished product, they were furious. (HAHAHA when stuff like that happens, it always makes me laugh for some reason.)
• Acclaimed as the #1 film of the 1990s by Entertainment Weekly
• Premiere voted this movie as one of "The 25 Most Dangerous Movies".
• Entertainment Weekly ranked the film as the 8th most controversial movie ever made.

Final Comments: I think those facts, especially the last 2, should wrap up everything I've been saying about the movie. It was good, don't get me wrong, but it is NOT for date night, with your parents, or if you're contemplating a mass murder spree.

3/5 Kevos - If you like what I wrote, then go out and get this movie. I don't lie about movies, because without endorsements, why would I. However, if you are queezy, into dramas, or your Netflix Que is full of Gossip Girl seasons, don't bother.

"The media is like the weather, only it's man-made weather."

-Mickey

10 minutes after writing this, Moviephone ranked this movie as 10 Most Controversial Movies of All Time

How did movies get Kevo through his teenage years...

Alright, I got my first post up after a long drought. Let's see if I can get back into full form.

I enjoy movies for many reasons. I could write them all down, but who needs another life lesson nowadays, right? How about reminiscing the life lessons we learned from movies during out teenage years, because that way, you will understand why I can never watch “There’s Something About Mary” with my mom again. Yes, Tim, the story must be told. IT MUST!

The best way I figure we can go about this is by stating a teenage issue, and applying a lesson learned from a movie. With pride on the line, we begin…

Puberty – It happens, and it’s inevitable. Everyone grows up and becomes a hairy beast. For some of us, our face explodes like Arnold Schwarzenneger's did in Total Recall. It’s Puberty, prepare yourself. However, I was never scared of growing excess hair, and it was because of this 80’s movie, “Teen Wolf”. Whoever said that being the hairy kid in school was awful; just wasn’t hairy enough. HE WAS THE SHIT! For some odd reason, instead of being hunted down by a mass mob and burned at the stake, he got better at basketball and chicks were clamoring for his nuts. How perfect, I’m short like Michael J. Fox, so this should work out perfectly. I can’t wait for high school Billy…

In fact, I can. What did puberty do for me? I got braces, had a squeaky voice, and like I stated, am still vertically challenged (or short, if you want to be a dick about it). Even though I still don’t have back hair (praise the lord), my white ass doesn’t go inside the 3 point line. At least I have my hairline and am not going bal…….SONOFABITCH!

Masturbation – Well I mentioned that an embarrassing story would be told, and here it is. Have you ever seen “There’s Something About Mary”? Yea. Ok, have you ever seen it with your parents? Maybe. Did you ever watch it with only your mom when you were in 6th grade and had avoided the sex talk up until now? Probably not. Well here is a good life lesson: when you are a teenager, movies start to become more graphic and they are not to be watched with your parents. While watching that movie, I asked my mom “What’s that stuff on his ear?”, and she proceeded to explain to me, vaguely, what older men do to themselves. Still not understanding this concept, I replied “So how many times am I supposed to do that?”. That’s when our relationship changed forever, and she walked out of the room to get my dad. To this day, I can’t look at hair gel the same. Well, what I thought was hair gel at the time…

Drugs – Don’t do drugs, mmkay. It’s as simple as that, and is overly stated during D.A.R.E. I bet that acronym brings back memories… Anyways, we see drugs referenced throughout movies, many now being seen in any movie Seth Rogen has a part in (he’s like the new Cheech and Chong, but with just Chong). There are, however, some of those movies that don’t show the fun side of drugs, and the most terrifying is “Requiem for a Dream”. Have you seen this movie? If you haven’t, then keep it that way. I think it’s sole purpose was to destroy of you wanting to do drugs, have sex, or be on a game show. I was horrified from this movie, and wouldn’t touch headache medicine for months. This taught me a life lesson that is very important; if you do drugs, you will either go to jail, cut your arm off, or become a sex slave. And believe it or not, I actually mean “and/or”, because 2/3 might happen to you. Drugs are bad, mmkay?

Sex – This is the last life lesson you get, because it’s likely the last hump in being a teenager (no pun intended). You need to hit puberty and be able to masturbate before you can have sex, and if you had sex before either of those, then you must have had some craaazzy drugs. Therefore, sex is our last life lesson.

Everyone remembers learning about sex in school, and how babies are made. You also remember seeing being shown the picture of the inside of a woman’s naughty part. It was like a treasure map of what sperm had to follow in order to make it all the way to the finish line. Also, doesn’t it look an awful lot like a bulls head to anyone else? The fallopian tubes looked like horns, and the uterus looks like the head. If you think I’m wrong, pull up that treasure map like view of a uterus, along with a bulls head. Do you see it now?

Anyways, it never made sense to me. What do you mean it has to travel along these bends and might not make it? Then, I saw “Look Who’s Talking”! The opening of that movie finally made me understand the process a baby goes through to get to the egg, and that all but one just won’t quite get there. Regardless, they looked like they were having a blast while doing it (again, no pun intended). Other topics realized in that movie include: how to get free lunches in the city, always be a gentleman to women, and all babies are badass Bruce Willi (that’s the spelling of multiple Bruce Willis’s).